The multi-tool. The multiple tools she would have at her disposal could be way more useful than the flashlight, which is only really useful at night or in dark areas and could give away her position to hostile survivors. And this would definitely be more useful than the magazine. With Louis around, she was sure that she would manage to relieve her stress anyways.
"Versatility isn't overrated", Clementine thought to herself before putting the multi-tool in her backpack. And with that, she was ready to leave. Before she closed the door, she took a glance at her own room.
Since the room from her former timeline was now occupied by the twins, as it first belonged to them, Clementine had a new room. One that she shared with the colorful Erin. Of all the things that have radically changed from her timeline, the room that she was in wasn't much different from her old one. Except, of course, the decoration part. Between the colored flowers, a drawing of her favorite fictional character, someone who goes by "Spider-Man", and a flamingo figure, it was quite clearly different from the skulls of a deer, cat and boar, or a toxic mushroom and a Venus flytrap.
This was part of the new life she has decided to live. And she was decided to protect that, no matter what. Clementine left her room and went to join the rest of her team. Soon enough, she has reached the others at the courtyard, as Lee and the others were waiting for her and saying gooodbye to everybody else.
"You ready?", Duck has asked the leader of the Ericson kids. Clementine could see that he was wearing his late father's hat. She couldn't believe how well it suited him.
"I am", Clementine has replied. Violet then went up to her and looked her in the eyes.
"Keep them safe", she has requested. Ed's daughter has nodded to her, definitely not planning to go for another outcome than everybody coming back safe.
After a few more embraces and goodbyes, the group of five were on their way to search for medical supplies. The beginning of their trip was silent...or it might have been if Louis wasn't around.
"So, is it really so bad out there?", Louis has asked, with apprehension clearly distinguishable in his voice, "I mean, you've done this before. Probably pretty good at it by now. Almost like going home for you guys."
"You're not having cold feet now, are you?", Marlon has taunted his best friend, but it's pretty clear that he was worried too.
"Of course not! Maybe you're the one having cold feet, but certainly not me!"
"Yes, it is", Lee has answered Louis' question, "But after all we taught you guys and with us around, you should be okay."
"Of course I will be!", the resident jokester has maintained his bravado, "I told you before, haven't I? I'm a ninja!"
"Oh my god...", Duck has muttered in a tone that made his thoughts pretty clear. "Why did we bring this guy again?"
"The question we should be asking is, where do we start?", Marlon has asked, "If we're going to look for medicine, I'd like to know where we're going."
Briefly thinking about how to tell him about Richmond without giving away her secret, she has decided to settle on the following:
"I'm thinking about starting with a place not too far from here, Richmond."
"The capital of Virginia, right?", Marlon asked, "Why would you go there? You always told us that cities were to avoid."
"We did", Clem admitted, "But it's not like we're planning on staying there. Besides, on our way here, we've heard that a community was living there. They could have something we can use."
The two Ericson kids didn't seem sold on the plan.
"So we could be going to a death trap based on a rumour?", Marlon has asked, "And even if that were true, what makes you think they'll give us their stuff?"
After a short beat, Clementine stopped in her tracks and turned to Marlon, before answering his question.
"Alright...here's what we're gonna do..."
Jane could hear someone sob next to her. It was AJ, with her mother trying to comfort him the best she can.
"I know I shouldn't be crying...", the little boy has said in between sobs, "But I miss them..."
"Me too, sweetie", Rebecca responded, first in an affectionate tone, then muttered to herself, in a more grave one "Me too."
It was only about fifteen minutes that Clementine and the others have left the school, but the hardened young woman couldn't exactly blame them for missing them already. In fact, she did too. This was the first time in years that Clem, Lee and Duck have left her side. So suddenly watching them leave, as it could be the last time she saw them...kind of left her with a feeling of emptiness. Thankfully not the kind she had to live through with Luke and (especially) her sister, but...it seemed close enough.
If anyone had told Jane that she would live with a bunch of kids hiding in the woods, she would have scoffed at that ridiculous claim. Still, while Clementine thought of this place as a safehaven, the older survivor had her doubts about that. Especially after she heard about the raiders that came in Clementine's original timeline. To Jane, no group could last, even one with bonds as seemingly unbreakable as this one, and her time with them hasn't blinded her to that fact. And the day it will eventually fall apart, she knew that the bonds these kids share would inevitably prompt them to put themselves before those that came lately. As would everybody else. Nevertheless, here she was, the closest thing to a leadership figure they currently had, as Clementine left their lives in her hands. Which was why she didn't have the luxury to dwell on her own past or worries anymore.
"Alright, everyone!", she called out the rest of the school, "Time for practice!"
A mix of enthusiasm and groans could be heard among the kids following that order.
Clementine was alone by the river. Well, not exactly alone, but there was Rosie, barking at her, quite obviously happy to be with her. Sometimes, she wished she knew how she could talk. Her presence might cheer her up. How long has it been since the escape from the boat? A week? Two? A month? She didn't know, and she didn't care. For the first few days she came back to the school, Clementine didn't speak to anyone, except when she had to assign tasks to the group. It was slowly starting to change, since everybody was as traumatized with the experience as everybody else, and they needed somebody to count on to start healing their wounds, but it seemed the young girl was incapable of dealing with her own.
Tired of being alone in her thoughts, Clementine got up. It was time to put away the spear she had just used to catch the five fishes.
"Stay here", she told Rosie before going back to the fishing shack. After putting the spear back on the wall, she has noticed something. The heart. "V+M". A part of herself has considered Minerva to be just as responsible of this disaster. Had she accepted to follow her and the others...AJ, James, Violet, Tenn...they would still be alive. One day, she even considered scratching out this heart. But then, even if she only remembered her as an enemy, Violet and her used to love each other. Minerva used to be the friend of everybody else. It wasn't up to Clem to erase this part of their past. Besides, sometimes, looking at it allowed Clementine to remember Lilly took away more than AJ.
Hearing Rosie bark outside the shack. Did she notice something? Somebody? Preparing herself for anything, Clementine took out her knife and joined her loyal ally. The sight that she witnessed caught her off-guard. It was Tenn, petting Rosie. Soon enough, he noticed her presence when she got closer.
"Hey, Clem...", he said with an hesitant tone.
"Tenn?", Clementine let out as she put her knife away.
"Here", Tenn said as he gave her...her hat, "Sorry it's so wet. I almost fell in when I got it. I figured you would want it back."
Clementine took her hat back, then looked back at Tenn. He seemed like he had something else to say.
"I'm sorry about Violet", he began, "I'm...I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, or AJ. I'm sorry. I don't know why I mess up all the time. I'm just...I'm really sorry. I wish it was different. Please, don't shoot me."
As she was about to ask him why'd say that, she suddenly remembered how they parted ways.
"Come here", the leader has told him.
After a moment, Tenn brought himself to do as he was asked with difficulty. Eventually...he was within...hugging range. The little boy has returned the embrace after recovering from his surprise. Clementine broke it after a bit.
"I would never do that to you", she reassured him.
"But you said...", Tenn has started.
"I know what I said", Clementine has cut him off, "And I regret every word. I'm the one who should be sorry, for the way I treated you on our way back."
She could tell that her friend appreciated her apology, but she wasn't prepared to hear what he said next.
"But you were right about me", Tenn has replied.
"What do you mean?, AJ's former caretaker has asked, somewhat puzzled."
"Do you remember that drawing I made for you and AJ the night Brody died? With the house and the walkers and my sisters and me?"
"Yeah. I do."
"When I followed the river...I found Minnie and Violet's bodies. I saw what the walkers did to them. They were...just bones and stuff. Meat. I could still tell who they were. By their clothes, I mean. But their faces... They didn't look like them anymore. They smelled awful."
Clementine has stayed silent, unsure how to react to that. Besides, she could tell that he was getting to his point.
"When I saw Minnie's body for real", Tenn continued, "...how the walkers left her...I realized that you were right. Those drawings were stupid. That house will never be real. I'll never meet my sisters again. The only thing real is when we're alive."
Once more, Clementine wasn't sure whether to be relieved that Tenn was finally starting to see the world as it was, or saddened by the fact he lost his innocence in the same way she did.
"I don't think I really know anything about the world, Clem", AJ's first friend has ultimately declared, "But you do. Can...can you teach me to be like you instead? The way I think just gets people in trouble. I don't want to be why someone dies. Ever again. I've just been thinking about it all wrong. You save people, though. I've seen it. I want to be like that."
A few seconds of silence ensued after that request. As much as she would like to make Tenn better at surviving, the flaws of her own teaching were made apparent to her in the most brutal way possible. Her decision was already made.
"I appreciate that you think that of me, Tenn", she has started, "But no. You don't have to become like me. Some people are better off as artists. It's why everybody likes you."
She then picked up the bucket as Tenn lowered his head in slight disappointment.
"Let's go back before the others start wondering where I went", Clementine has stated.
On these words, she left the area alongside Rosie and Tenn.
"Clem", she heard somebody call out to her attention, "Clem!"
"Huh?", Clementine has let out, "Sorry. What were you saying?"
"I was saying that we should be close according to the map", Marlon has stated.
"Yeah, we are", she has confirmed.
The original leader then went a little closer to her.
"Stay focused, Clem. Everyone's counting on us back at the school."
"Well, I think we could all use a rest", Louis has pointed out.
"We already took a break two hours ago", Marlon retorted.
"Still. We're all clearly tired, and it's the middle of the night. What do you think they'll do if a bunch of strangers come bugging them now?"
"...Wow, that's probably the first sensible thing you said since we began to travel."
"Shut up, dude!", Louis has said without being the slightly bit offended, prompting Marlon and Duck to chuckle at his expense, "So, how about setting a campfire not too fire from here?"
"...Sure, why not?", Kenny's son has agreed.
"Fine", Marlon seconded.
"Campfire it is, then", Lee has decided.
Not too far from there, each of them sat on conveniently placed tree stumps.
"So...who's down for a game?", Louis has asked while bringing out his cards.
"Really?", Duck was in disbelief that he brought that with him in a mission to recover medicine, "Now?"
"When's a better time?", Louis has asked, "Tomorrow, we might all get eaten alive."
"How is that relevant?"
"Well, I'm down for it", Clementine has stated, catching Duck off-guard.
"Me too", Lee has added, while Marlon agreed and took a pile of cards.
"Come on, man", Louis has asked Duck, "We've been walking and running for all day today and yesterday. Surely you need to have some fun too."
Ultimately, he took his own cards.
"It'd better be good this time", Duck has warned.
"You're still sore about last time?", Louis taunted him about the time he ended up losing and had to spill most of his embarrassing moments.
"...Start playing, dammit."
The game that was to be played was Cheat, a game that was all about deception and calling bluffs. Of course, as walkers could hear them in the woods, they've decided to avoid the usual shouting and call "bullshit" calmly when needed.
"Two Kings", Louis announced.
"Yeah, bullshit", Clementine has called his bluff before checking what he really played before giving him the entire pile.
"Damn. You could have at least pretended not to see through it. Just for a bit."
"Nope! No mercy here!"
"So that's how it is, huh?"
Duck, despite being initially reluctant in playing, proved pretty serious about winning this time. And sure enough, he was the first to get rid of his cards, while Louis was the last one who still had his own cards in his hands. His blue eyed opponent looked at him with a triumphant smile.
"What happened, Louis?", Duck has mockingly asked.
"Looks like I wasn't as good a liar as you guys", Louis has muttered.
"Well, I won. That means you'll do whatever I ask you for a week."
"Oh man..."
Soon after the end of their game, the group has decided to talk about...anything, really.
"So, say this mess goes away one day...what would you do?", Louis has asked everyone.
"I dunno", Duck simply said.
"Not sure", Lee has honestly said, "Maybe I would go back to teaching. Well, as long as nobody knows about my past, that is."
"I gotta admit, I couldn't believe it when you told us about it", Marlon has said, "But at least, you told us. Besides, at least you didn't turn out to be a bad guy."
"Yeah...", Lee has let out, "So, what would you do, Marlon."
"Well, I think I would try to be a baseball player."
"Baseball, huh?", Duck started, "I can't say I was much of a fan when I was a kid."
"I dunno", Clementine said, "It still seems better than football."
"I can't believe you said that!"
"What? I always wanted to try playing baseball. My father loved that sports."
"Well, maybe we could play someday", Marlon has concluded.
"What about you, Clem?", Duck has asked.
Thinking briefly about her answer, she has finally said the following:
"I think I would spend a lot of time in a library first!", Clementine has said.
"Is that so?", Louis has asked, "We got plenty of books at our school."
"Yeah, but I miss learning as I used to when I went to school. This time without having to worry about these things, you know. And who knows, maybe this would allow me to find out what I wanna do with my life after this."
Lee then yawned.
"Shit. I didn't realize I was that tired. That break was a good call, Louis."
"Of course it was!", Louis has bragged.
"Yeah, don't let it go to your head", Marlon has replied.
"So, who wants to take first watch?", Lee has asked.
NOTE: The two characters picked will be the ones who will have the chance to talk to Clementine and improve their relationship with her. This choice is the first opportunity to start a romantic route. The romantic options will have two characters specific to them, "Friendship" and "Romance". Both will count towards the final total, but the category with the higher total will be the one that will apply. Only one romantic path can apply. Pick carefully.
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Useless Facts 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 2. No number from one to 999 includes the letter “a” in its word form. 3. Edgar Allan Poe married his thirteen-year-old cousin. 4. Jupiter is twice as large as all the other planets combined. 5. The Super Soaker was designed and invented by a NASA engineer. 6. Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down. 7. Salt used to be a currency. 8. Alaska is the only state whose name is on one row on a keyboard. 9. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. 10. There are 32 muscles in a cat’s ear. 11. The chicken and the ostrich are the closest living relatives of the Tyrannosaurus rex. 12. Junk food is as addictive as drugs. 13. The largest bill to go into circulation in the United States was a $10,000 note. 14. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. 15. A cubic inch of human bone can bear the weight of five standard pickup trucks.
More Useless Facts Comin’ Up! 16. A dragonfly has a lifespan of only one day. 17. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. 18. Toy Story helped sell the Etch-a-Sketch. 19. Four out of five children recognize the Mcdonald’s logo at three years old. 20. Barbie and Ken broke up in 2004. (Don’t worry. They got back together in 2011.) 21. One single teaspoon of honey represents the life work of 12 bees. 22. It’s impossible to tickle yourself. 23. It’s also impossible for you to lick your own elbow. 24. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. 25. Pope John Paul II was an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. 26. Mulan has the highest kill-count of any Disney character. 27. 3.6 cans of Spam are consumed each second. 28. The average American looks at eight houses before buying one. 29. Chalk is edible. 30. Most pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Even More Useless Facts 31. Oreo has made enough cookies to span five back and forth trips to the moon. 32. Dr. Seuss invented the word “nerd.” 33. A giraffe can go longer without water than a camel can. 34. Due to a genetic defect, cats can’t taste sweet things. 35. Queen Elizabeth II is a trained mechanic. 36. Cap’n Crunch’s full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch. 37. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 38. The average American spends about 2.5 days a year looking for lost items. 39. Apple seeds contain cyanide. 40. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. 41. Montpelier, Vermont, is the only U.S. capital without a McDonald’s. 42. There’s a city called “Rome” on every continent except Antarctica. 43. There are around 16 million people alive today that are direct descendants of Genghis Khan. 44. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. 45. Your body contains about 100,000 miles of blood vessels. 46. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a bellybutton. 47. A blob of toothpaste is called a nurdle. 48. If you plug your nose, you can’t tell the difference between an apple, a potato, and an onion. 49. Most babies are conceived in December. 50. A group of hippos is called a “bloat.”
And Still More Useless Facts 51. Slinkies are 82 feet long. 52. Most car horns are in the key of F. 53. New Jersey grows two-thirds of the world’s eggplants. 54. Almonds are members of the peach family. 55. Riding roller coasters can help you pass kidney stones. 56. Marie Curie’s 100-year-old belongings are still radioactive. 57. About 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out weird sexual positions per year. 58. Americans eat enough burgers each year to circle the earth over 32 times. 59. There are 293 ways to make a change for a dollar. 60. Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. 61. You spray 2.5 drops of saliva per word. 62. Mary Shelley allegedly lost her virginity on her mother’s grave. 63. If you open your eyes in a pitch-black room, the color you’ll see is called “eigengrau.” 64. A shark is the only animal that can blink both its eyes. 65. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. 66. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 67. If your stomach doesn’t produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, it will digest itself. 68. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume one-tenth of a calorie. 69. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 70. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 71. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don’t die throughout the movie. 72. A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 73. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly. 74. In 1912, a law passed in Nebraska where drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, and wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares. 75. More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.
Useless Music Facts 76. Finland has the most metal bands per capita. 77. According to research, fans of classical music and those who love heavy metal have shown to have similar personalities. 78. Singing in a group boosts morale. 79. In 1993, Rod Stewart hosted the largest free concert. 80. Somali pirates have such a hatred for Western culture, that the British Navy uses music from Britney Spears to scare them off. 81. Metallica is the only band to have played on all seven continents. (Yes, including Antarctica.) 82. Music has some pretty interesting effects on living things. It makes plants grow faster and cows produce more milk. 83. In 2016, Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce. 84. Prince is credited with playing 27 different instruments on his debut album. 85. In 2015, Astronaut Chris Hadfield released an album while still in space. 86. Listening to music can improve your physical performance. (This could mean in the gym or between the sheets.)
Useless Facts About Women 87. Women make up 70 percent of the population that lives in “absolute poverty.” That means they live on less than $1.00 a day to survive. 88. Women hiccup less than men. (If you live with a dude who scarfs dinner in three bites and then has massive hiccup attacks, you’ll understand this better.) 89. The two highest IQ scores in history both belonged to women. (Honestly, we’re not surprised.) 90. Know the name Ada Lovelace? You should! She was the very first computer programmer. 91. Roughly six to 10 percent of incarcerated women are pregnant. 92. The WHO reports that one in five girls report being sexually abused before the age of 15. 93. Women see more colors than men. 94. It’s been calculated that the average woman will “eat” about four pounds of lipstick throughout the course of her life. Blech! 95. Every 90 seconds, a woman dies during pregnancy or childbirth. (The numbers climb steeper among women of color.) 96. Studies found that women also have a more heightened sense of smell.
Other Useless Facts 97. The country of Russia is bigger than Pluto. 98. Women have more tastebuds than men. So there you go, a reason for why women deserve chocolate more than men do. 99. Many oranges are actually green. 100. The opposite sides of a die will always add up to seven. 101. Playing dance music can help ward off mosquitoes. 102. The King of Hearts is the only king in a deck of cards without a mustache. 103. “Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends with “mt.” 104. A Greek-Canadian man invented the “Hawaiian” pizza. 105. It’s possible to turn peanut butter into diamonds. 106. A “jiffy” is about one trillionth of a second. 107. Dragonflies have six legs but can’t walk. 108. Linda Lou Taylor of Indiana holds the Guinness World Record for the most married person. She’s been married 23 times. 109. Joel Waul of Lauderhill, Florida won a Guinness World Record for the largest rubber ball coming in at 8,200-pound. 110. The world’s most expensive dessert from New York City’s Serendipity 3 cafe came in at a whopping $25,000. 111. You are 13.8 more likely to die on your birthday than any other day, something William Shakespeare can relate to. 112. Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons. 113. Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas. 114. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backward. 115. Children tend to grow faster in the spring. 116. On average a human being will spend up to two weeks kissing in his/her lifetime. 117. Rhubarb can spring up so fast that you can actually hear it grow.
Useless Facts About Food 118. Due to their high oil content and lower water content, pistachios are prone to self-heating. In fact, if transported in large groups, they can spontaneously combust! 119. In the Middle Ages, black pepper was considered a luxury. It was even used to pay rent and taxes on occasion. 120. In 1965, astronaut John Young snuck a corned beef sandwich into space for a six-hour mission. Spoiler alert? The sammie didn’t do well in the zero-gravity environment. 121. The oldest known soup recipe dates back to 6,000 B.C. Among the ingredients? Hippopotamus and sparrow meat. 122. In the 1830s, ketchup was used medicinally. 123. The number of hot dogs consumed on the Fourth of July could stretch from Washington, D.C., to Los Angeles… five times over. (Cue Legally Blonde quote: “You look like the Fourth of July — it makes me want a hot dog real bad!”)
Useless Facts About Space 124. Space is completely, totally, and utterly silent. 125. No one knows just how many stars are in space. 127. A NASA spacesuit costs a cool $12,000,000. 128. The footprints made on the moon will be there for 100 million years. 129. Scientists have found a mass of water vapor cloud 10 billion light-years away from earth that is 140 trillion times the mass of water on Earth’s surface. 130. The moon was once a piece of the Earth.

(A fic of Sam's time being trapped inside the egg, I got carried away and made this quite gross sorry)
TW: Self-Cannibalism, Corruption, Partial Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Isolation, Sensory Deprivation
Sam is aware of every cell in his body as the mushy red substance swirls around outside the small crack in his obsidian cage. His body withers and recoils in an unsympathetic system. He can’t let himself get corrupted.
Sam shifts awkwardly and weakly reaches one of his green arms towards the crack. He can feel his muscles burn. When did he get so weak? Sweat coats skin as he forces his hand to grab onto the crack and tug. He has to get out. This egg is insane. It’s destroying the land covering it in thick mucus-like vines. The almost thick blood pulsing down the strands as it twists around anything it can wrap its tendrils around.
Sam tugs again harder despite knowing it’s a hopeless task. He has to remind himself why the crimson is wrong. It’s brainwashed his friends! Badboyhalo never would have trapped him in here otherwise! They openly admitted to being brainwashed as they spread the spores of the crimson about ignoring any valid points he brings up.
A hiss escapes Sam as he forces himself to pull harder at the crack begging it to grow any larger. According to Bad the crimson requires ‘’nourishment’’, Sam doesn’t know what that means. It isn’t normal for Bad to be offering rotting flesh as if it were a religious practice to the source of all the blood vines, the egg. Bad has even started discussing feeding entire people to the egg.
Sam forces his quivering legs up so he’s standing in his small cage and angles himself to put more pressure on the crack. Nothing happens. At least Tommy and Tubbo aren’t in here. There’s no way they would be able to keep going like he is. And if they become corrupted it’ll severely affect the production of the hotel. Sam is trying to create an economy! A city! A place where he can thrive, and most importantly a place where he can get money. That’s why it’s good Tommy’s not here. Nothing to do with Dream’s taunts that echo across the prison floors. Nothing to do with the frightened screams that come from Tommy when he’s in any tight space. Nothing to do with the expression on Tubbo’s face when the boy came running down the path crying for ‘’Sam Nook’’ when Tommy was taken by Bad. Nothing to do with the fire that burned inside him when Puffy explained Ant and Bad’s plans to feed Tommy to the egg. Sam just needs his business plan to run smoothly and stay on track. That’s why.
Sam collapses, his limbs falling down around him as his energy gives out. Sitting in a box shouldn’t be this exhausting. He’ll get out and stop whatever Bad’s malicious plans are and in the meantime, Puffy will protect Tommy and Tubbo. Tears sting Sam’s eyes, he can’t stay in here any longer. He can barely raise his hands and his chest feels empty. Sam tries to rub his hands across the cool obsidian to ground himself but the surface is too smooth and somehow the crimson keeps the obsidian vaguely warm, not hot enough to burn just enough for the temperature to stay neutral. Sam grimaces, how long has he been in here? Everything is so dark. The black obsidian surrounds him and the crack only provides him with a splash of dark red across his fuzzed vision.
Is nighttime yet? Has it gotten darker? He can’t tell since he’s underground and it takes too much energy to look up to the small hole above him. He can’t even hear the sound of the birds in the morning or the chirps of crickets in the evening. It has to have been at least an hour, right? Sam tightens his hands until his fingers dig into his palms, the sense runs up his spine and throughout his whole body. Sam doubles over from the intensity of it. A laugh bubbles in his throat and for a moment Sam is frozen in fear worried he was about to start giggling hysterically, but then he remembers he doesn’t have enough energy anyway. Nothing happens, so Sam stops clenching his fists and is plunged back into emptiness.
They’ll have to feed him eventually right? They want him to bond with the egg, they want him to be infected by the crimson. They aren’t feeding him to it, so they have to keep him alive, right? Bad will come soon and give him at least some water. Sam’s sure of it. Unless this is part of their plan? Are they watching him right now? Waiting for him to beg to scratch at the walls pleading with them to let him out, starve him until he is forced to let the egg in? Let it in where? Into his head? It’s in him Sam can feel it. He won’t let it in.
They are watching him. Sam is convinced they are. He can hear them sometimes. But he also can’t. Was he sure it was Bad that kept telling him about ‘’desires’’? Was he sure it was the padded footsteps off Ant that seemed to bleed into his brain? How long does it take for the crimson to corrupt you? When will they let him out?
Sam’s throat has started to throb. He wants to tell someone he needs a glass of water but he can’t find it in himself to make his mouth move. He’s so tired. He can’t feel his body but he knows his arms are wrapped around his own throat as if he could claw the soreness out of it. Does he even want it to stop? At least the pain is something. Better than nothing. Right?
A red vine has slithered in through the crack in the obsidian. Sam wonders if he can drink it.
He can’t let himself become corrupted. He has to stop it. He has to think of Fran, his dog patiently waiting for him to come home. Who will protect Fran if he’s gone? Money isn’t worth this torment, his life isn’t worth this torment but Fran is. He has to keep going for Fran.
The air smells of cinnamon. It didn’t smell like this before. They’ll let him out soon. He’ll lie to them, tell him he can hear the egg. The scent in the air becomes sour as Sam remembers his original plan of holding out on stubbornness to prove a point. He just wants out, everything inside him is attacking him, tearing him in his insides. Someone is speaking in gibberish that he somehow understands.
‘’It’s been too long...no one else knows where Fran is. Fran is going to starve if you don’t obey. I can give you what you desire.’’
Sam tries to slam his head into the obsidian but he can’t raise it from the wall of his cage. He tries to move his hands but they won’t follow his commands. He needs the voice too quiet. He needs it to stop. He needs it to stop!
Sam sinks his teeth into the muscle of his right arm as tears flow down his face. The mossy green flesh tears up around his mouth. The frays of skin torn away are tipped with blood as he buries his mouth into his arm. Please stop. Make it stop. The emptiness inside him sits in his stomach grabbing at his body fat as he strains to keep his composer. He doesn’t want to eat this. He can’t even feel the pain as he shoves a slab of his own unhealthy flesh through his teeth. He has to fill the empty. He can’t be empty. He can’t feel his own hands. He can’t move his body. The smell is gone from the air. The crack in his cage is overgrown with an oozing red, it’s so dark. His mouth is numb but it starts to tingle as he pulls another long string of his skin off his arm. Eventually, Sam could feel his flesh is slightly tougher than what he’s used to. It’s a little stringy, but it’s not too tough or stringy to be agreeably edible. The taste is sweet as it covers his tongue. He needs to fix the emptiness. But he wants to stop. Lights that aren’t real sparkle in Sam’s vision as the salty tears pour down the open wound in his arm.
Feed. Feed. Feed. Feed. The smile. Feed. Feed. Feed. Feed. The smile on Tommy’s face. Feed. The smile on Tommy’s face as Sam opened and closed the raccoon puppet. Sam clicked the small recorder behind his back as a mess of cute noises spilled out from it and Tommy’s eyes lit up. The kid started complaining about the task Sam had made the puppet give him but Tommy’s eyes never lost their light. Sometimes Sam wasn’t sure if Tommy could tell he was talking to a puppet. At first, it was clear he did but over time Tommy started referring to ‘’Sam Nook’’ as a completely separate person to Sam. And after the unremorseful confessions Dream snickers aloud for the warden’s ears, Sam was worried that the kid’s mind was so desperate for a childhood it created the raccoon puppet into someone real. Sam blinks. Can he blink? Where is he? He’s so exhausted. He should just sleep. He should just let it in. It wants to feed. He is going to feed. Feed. He’s fighting for something? Right...Tommy.
‘’I can give you what you desire.’’
It wants to feed. Sam should let it feed.
It’s so loud.
‘’What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with him Puffy?’’
‘’I...I don’t even know how he’s alive.’’ Sam notices his mouth is moving. Is he talking? What’s happening? Why is he so hungry?
‘’He’s been down there for like fourteen hours!’’ Sam snaps back to reality, he doesn’t know what’s happening but he is overcome with an urgency to check on Fran. Like a lingering memory, he can’t quite place. Sam expects his heart to be pumping out of his chest, but instead, he realizes his pulse is slow.
‘’Oh my god...How would he have slept in a box? Perhaps if he laid down vertically...like a flamingo.’’ Sam looks down at his arm and sees the blood. Ah right, feed.
‘’Bad and Ant tried to kill me twice!’’ A voice rants. Sam is tired...he wants to sleep, he wants to see Fran. He wants...
‘’Oh my god, he’s right on top of the egg!’’ So many voices the noise surrounds Sam shocking his system and he slumps against the dark walls of his...his...he doesn’t know.
‘’Oh...okay we need to break him out.’’ Is that? No, he recognizes the voice that continues to chatter around him.
‘’P-Puffy?’’ Sam questions his voice cracking with the dryness of his throat.
‘’No no! Sam-we’re coming Sam!’’ Puffy calls back, Sam thinks he’s relieved, or maybe he’s just tired.
A loud sound cuts through Puffy’s hushed reassurances, ‘’SAMMIE! SAM IT’S ME YOUR BEST FRIEND!’’ Tommy. The noise causes a shiver to run down Sam’s spine and it takes him a second to realize that cold rain was running down his face from the hole above him. His body shivers again and Sam restrains a whine from the energy it uses. He blinks open his eyes to see that his blanked cage is covered in hunks of his skin that the crimson had been letting fall off him. Sam lets his eyes travel higher to see the vines covering the crack in his prison being torn off until a young face stares back at him. Right...Tommy’s smile. He’s isn’t done yet.
‘’Hi, Tommy…’’

Hey folks. Queerpy Tasha here. Not long ago I started posting on Facebook and Reddit about the general weirdness that goes on around here. I had no idea things would escalate the way they did. Now I find myself compelled to share my story wider. Not as a warning, but as a message. I have to post it in two parts due to Reddit's character limit, so here is how it all began.
16 November 2020
Something weird happened today.
You probably know this already, but some really weird stuff happens in this city. No? Just me. Well, probably. Whenever I bring it up with people it barely phases them.
Like the last Summer Solstice. I was out in Hyde Park celebrating in a completely responsible, socially distanced way with the local Pagans. We were there from sunrise and cheered as the mighty king rose over the horizon. We stayed all day watching as the Sun rose from the East until it was high overhead. Then it… hung there for a bit. And started moving back towards the East. It sank lower and lower towards the Eastern horizon and eventually set, to much applause from the Pagans.
I was like, “Doesn’t the Sun usually set in West?”
And they were like, “Yeah, usually.”
I asked them. “That was pretty weird, right?”
They just shrugged. “I guess.”
I mean… that was pretty weird, right? Right? It hasn’t done it again since, so doubt it’s anything to worry about, but, wow. That was weird.
Anyway, that’s nothing to do with what happened today.
Town was quiet. I had been working on some job applications at Flamingos Coffee House and was on my way back to the bus station to go home. Walking down York Street, there was an oldish guy in front of me walking in the same direction. He was wearing a ratty grey suit, had short, grey hair, and blew plumes of acrid grey smoke behind him as he walked. I’m an ex-smoker so not a big fan of second hand smoke. I slowed my pace down to avoid it.
As we got to the NCP Car Park, I spotted something fall from his pocket. It looked like a wallet. I jogged forward and picked it up. Definitely a wallet. I shouted to him to let him know and he froze on the spot and spun around like he’d just heard an explosion. He stared at me with this weird intensity. I swear I am not that scary! Then in a flash he sprinted off down a side street towards the outside bit of Leeds Market! Golly, he was fast. I ran after him, waving his wallet over my head as he disappeared around the corner.
I rounded the corner and he was no where to be seen. There was nobody there at all. But I could still smell the smoke. I looked down, and saw a small grey cat crouched down staring at me. Its ear were all the way back and hair standing on end. It leapt away and disappeared under the stalls of the market.
I mean, I guess that was pretty weird. But the weirdest thing was seeing the cat had a lit cigarette in its mouth. Do cats smoke? How would they even light a cigarette? Can they read the health warnings on the packaging? So many questions.
No idea where the guy got to. The wallet was empty except for a bit of change, including an old Dutch coin. I’ll keep hold of it in case I come across him again.
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
​
17 November 2020
Something weird happened again today.
I live in quite a nice part of Leeds. Outside of the centre. I guess you could call it a suburb. But my home is garbage. It’s what’s known as a bedsit, which is a single room that acts as my bedroom, living room, and kitchen combined. Think studio apartment, but smaller. It has no windows due to it being a basement bedsit and just one door going in. Very miserable and gets really cold in winter. The damp is becoming a problem as well. I have to have an air filter running 24/7 to try and keep the mould problem under control.
So it probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I spend as much time outside of this burrow as possible. Fortunately, there is lovely park opposite my place. It isn’t huge, but it’s well maintained. It’s mostly a large grassy field with a few chestnut trees scattered around.
Today I was sat in my favourite spot under one of the chestnut trees. The sun had come out for a few minutes and I had a couple new manga to read which a lovely friend gave me for my birthday It was quiet except for a few dog walkers and a group of kids mummifying a dead fox they found. Nice day.
Then this bouncy golden retriever runs up to me with a tennis ball.
“Hello, pretty doggo!” I greeted it.
But it ignores me and circles round to the side of the tree, towards a random hole in the grass. I didn’t even notice it before.
Pretty doggo drops their ball into the hole and bounces backwards, tail wagging in anticipation. I thought maybe they want me to pick it up, so I start to stand when suddenly the ball rockets out of the hole and shoots about 25 meters away! Doggo chases after it.
I investigate the hole. It’s about 6 inches wide. A bit like a burrow, though there isn’t any loose soil around it. And it’s deep. Straight down. Completely vertical.
Doggo runs up again and pushes me out of the way so they can drop their ball in again. Just like before, it shoots off into the distance and doggo chases after it. Doggo’s owner walks past and smiles at me.
“She loves that hole,” they tell me.
Doggo doesn’t come back to the hole again so I continue investigating.
First I thought to drop a pebble in. It quickly disappeared into the dark. Then a few seconds later the pebble pops back up out of the hole, and plops down next to me. Pretty weird.
I turn the torch on my iPhone on and shine it down. Still can’t see the bottom. This thing is really deep. Again, I drop the pebble and see it travels a bit further this time, until it inevitably disappears. Then it comes back into view and hurtles towards me! I leap back just in time to avoid getting hit by the returning pebble and it lands a couple of feet from the entrance.
I was starting to see a pattern.
Wanting to see further down, I keep the torch on my phone on and, only somewhat hesitantly, drop it down the hole. Now I could see how far it goes! Maybe even the bottom!
It fell. And it fell. And it kept falling. And falling. The light from the torch got dimmer and dimmer. Then faded away into the dark. And I waited. And I waited. The sun was setting. I still waited. The sun set. Street lights began to flicker on. It was getting cold out. I headed home.
The effing hole robbed me.
So yeah, if anyone finds a phone, it was an iPhone SE in rose gold with an “I believe in fairies” Tinkerbell sticker on the case.
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
​
18 November 2020
Something weird happened today.
Yesterday I went back to the hole to try and get my phone back but no luck. Sent a whole roll of string down it but still can’t find the bottom. That makes it at least 100 meters deep!
I’ve tried ringing it from a land-line, but surprise surprise, no signal. (damn you, O2). Would have been funny if someone answered. But with how deep it’s gone, it would probably count as an international call, and don’t really wanna pay for that.
The hole was wider. About a foot across now, And about two feet down it, I spotted something was stuck in the side. I reached in and grabbed it along with a handful of the dirt.
It was a little sprout. Nothing interesting. I was about to cast it aside when I noticed a noise coming from somewhere close by. It wasn’t coming from the hole. I closed my hand around the sprout and the noise stopped.
Weird.
I pulled my hand up next to my ear and listened carefully. Not a sound. I slowly opened my hand and the noise started again, and it was definitely coming from the sprout! It sounded like it was crying? I cupped my other hand over the top of it, and the crying stopped again. I guess it doesn’t like the light.
Well, little buddy. You’re in luck, because I live in a basement flat with no windows.
So I brought my little buddy home, and planted them in a Nine Inch Nails coffee mug.
They live under my sink now.
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
​
First thing this morning I checked on the little sprout and he’s doing well. We’ve named him Gomez He’s cute. No leaves yet. Just a thin green stalk. Wonder what he’ll grow to be.
I checked on the hole again. It’s had gotten bigger again. Now it’s almost two meters wide. Still can’t see the bottom. Looks like the Council tried to fence it off with some hazard tape during the night but that’s already falling apart. Unless the Occultists took it down.
Oh, yh. The Occultists. I’ve got a good view of the park from outside of my house and saw the Occultists were setting up camp there. They’re easy to spot. Purple hooded robes, lined with gold. All of them wearing a different kind of theatrical mask, like they looted the costume department for the ball scene in Labyrinth. Love that film. Don’t love the Occultist so much. Still… nice to see people being responsible and wearing masks.
There’s about a dozen of them that I could see. Most were setting up tents or constructing their own rope fence around the hole. A local trade union had set up a stall outside their encampment. They usually show up whenever there’s any kind of gathering in the city. A couple of Occultists were being distracted by one of them handing out newspapers.
When I wandered over to do my morning check on the hole, one of the purple hooded figures approached me. She made a diamond shape with her hands by putting the index fingers and thumbs together.
“Abandon all hope, neighbour,” she chirped. By her welcoming tone, I gathered this was a greeting.
“Thanks. And you. What’s going on here?”
“Oh, we misplaced our hole.”
“That thing’s yours?”
“Yeah,” she replied meekly. “It was meant to be in Millennium Square, but looks like our coordinates were a bit off again.”
“Again?”
“Oh, I mean this time,” she corrected herself. “It’s kind of embarrassing. Dante was certain he got the ritual right. We must have summoned it 7 or 8 times before we found out it arrived here.”
Her voice trailed off. “Now that I think about… I hope this is the only one. Hmm. We should check on that.”
She carried on. “It’s bloody inconvenient though. If it were central Leeds we could just get a bus into town. Now we have to get a bus into town, just to get a bus back out of town. And they never show up. Bring back the trams, I say.”
I agreed. “I’m with you there. Did you know we’re the biggest city in Europe without a railed public transport system?”
“Did you know they started building an underground tram system back in the 1940s?” she responded.
“I did not.”
“Yup. But they never opened it to the public. Not surprised really. In this city, things get weird the deeper you get.”
“Well, that sounds ominous,” I thought to myself while peering down the very, very deep hole that opened up opposite my house. “If you don’t mind me asking, are you gonna be here long? And why are Occultists summoning holes in my park?”
“Excuse me,” she protested. “We’re not Occultists. We are a perfectly respectable book club.”
Oh, that’s right. Occultists were banned last year after the incident on the Headrow. If I remember, it was the called the Abomination of the Fire Breathing Hydra. Actually I think they had the same robes as these guys.
They had set up camp on Briggate and were trying to summon a very small demon they could use as a group mascot. Things didn’t go according to plan and they ended up summoning a six legged, three storey tall, 42 tonne fire breathing hydra outside PC World.
Fortunately it was quite friendly. And they managed to banish it in the end, but not before it had trampled its way to the bottom of The Headrow. The road wasn’t built for that kind of heavy foot traffic. The council are still repairing the damage to the street.
“So not the Abomination of the Fire Breathing Hydra then?”
“Nope. We’re The Followers of Virgil. I’m Rosalind by the way.”
The person handing out newspapers approached us. “Copy of Socialist Worker?”
“No, thank you.”
They moved on to someone struggling to set up a pyre.
Rosalind continued. “Don’t suppose you fancy joining our club?”
“I’m more into manga. I’d watch your step around that hole. I lost my phone down it earlier this week.”
“You mean this one?” Rosalind pulled my rose gold iPhone out from under her robe.
“That’s it! Thank you! Wait, how did you get it?”
“It’s how we found the hole. Dante got a text from your phone saying he screwed up the coordinates. Then the hole spat it out when we got here.”
“It’s not even cracked. Nice. Really appreciate it.”
“No problem, neighbour. Glad we found its owner. I got to get back to setting up the tents, but it’s been nice chatting. You know where to find us if you do wanna sign up for the book club.”
It’s definitely a cult. “Sure. I’ll think about it.”
“Abandon all hope, neighbour.”
“You too.”
Now here’s where it gets weird. My phone was absolutely fine. It even still had a charge! But now it can connect to my mobile network even while I’m underground which is weird because I could never get a signal in my basement flat before. And the WiFi isn’t working properly. It keeps disconnecting from my home network and reconnecting to some other network whose WiFi name is just corrupted ASCII characters. Complete gibberish. It’s got good bandwidth so I’m not complaining. It’s just weird.
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
​
19 November 2020
Something weird happened today.
I’m worried about Gomez. For anyone who doesn’t know, Gomez is the name of the sprout I rescued from the side of a bottomless pit that was summoned in the park opposite my house by a group of Occultists masquerading as a book club.
The Occultists are settled now. There are five large tents surrounding the hole, which has finally been fenced off. It has a bit of a carnival atmosphere, which is probably due in part to the actual carnival which has set up next to them. It’s fun. There are open air food stalls and many of the usual fairground attractions like a small roller-coaster, Ferris wheel etc.
I’d watch your step in the hall of mirrors though. Very easy to get lost. Not saying I did, but I certainly took a wrong turn somewhere.
If you haven’t been in one before, it’s like a maze made entirely out of mirrors. Some of the mirrors are warped, creating amusing reflections. For Gen Z, this is what we had before Snapchat filters. Simpler days.
At the end of a long mirrored corridor I found a dead end with a door. On the door was a sign saying “DEVIL’S TOYBOX” and “DO NOT CLOSE”. It was closed. So I opened it.
Inside was a small room. The exact size of the room wasn’t obvious because of the mirrors. It wasn’t until I stepped in that I saw it was about 5 foot square and mirrored on all sides, even the floor and ceiling! In all directions I was staring into infinity, with my reflection endlessly repeating into the distance.
Then I heard a soft clunk and the room went dark. The door had closed behind me!
I turned around and tried to feel for the door, but couldn’t find it. I kept walking towards where it should have been but there was only empty space.
After a few minutes of wandering, my eyes began adjusting to the dark and I noticed that I could no longer see my reflection in the walls. But there was… something… in there with me. I couldn’t make it out clearly in the low light. Just a dark blur, as big as a car, slowly circling me. To my left I thought I could make out a faint light way off in the distance, so I quickly made my way to it with my arms stretched out in front of me. It was the door! Phew!
As I left, I propped the door open with a bit of cardboard. Silly thing could be dangerous. No harm done I guess, except I’m left-handed now.
3/10. Would not recommend. The falafel stall is good though.
While I was there I went to check on the hole. It had stopped growing, which is nice. Rosalind was there by the fence throwing in handfuls of sunflower seeds. She was easy to spot with her barn owl masquerade mask and she recognised me too.
“Abandon all hope, neighbour!” she greeted me cheerily.
“Way ahead of you, friend. How’s the hole?”
Rosalind stopped throwing in seeds and sighed. “I mean, it’s fine I guess. But we were expecting something more which hasn’t manifested yet. Hoping these seeds might speed things along. Hey, have you parted your hair differently?”
Bloody Hall of Mirrors. “Long story,” I told her. “What were you expecting?”
“Well we’re all eager to get down this here hole, right? But none of us wanna risk it until our guide shows up. Virgil was supposed to arrive as a dryad and lead us down. No sign of him yet.”
“Well, don’t give up hope.”
“I won’t. I… Ohhhh you got me. Haha. Abandon all hope, neighbour.”
“And you.”
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I was telling you about Gomez.
Well, he hasn’t really been growing. I’ve been really worried about him. Plants usually have leaves, right? Well, from what I’ve read plants normally like lots of light too, but Gomez is just a stalk and cries if I even have t’big light on in my room. Wasn’t sure whether he was going to survive, until this morning when he began to grow a bulb on the tip of his stalk.
It looks kind of like a tulip, but more, I dunno, eye-ish. And now he won’t stop staring at me. I’ll try watering him a bit more. Maybe he needs more fertiliser?
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
​
19 November 2020
Something weird happened last night.
It’s been snowing again so during my daily checks on the hole I took Rosalind a coffee to warm herself up. The snow was coming down hard, and she was sat in a beach chair beside the hole with a parasol heavy with the fallen snow. Her eyes lit up as I handed her the hot drink. I was hoping she would take off her owl mask to drink it. No luck. She had mastered a technique of sipping it from under the mask.
I felt like we had been getting pretty familiar, so I asked her what made her want to join this ‘book club’.
“Just a change of pace really. I used to work in a genetics lab. About a year ago I was brought a DNA fragment to sequence that was found inside a meteor.”
“Not the meteor that wiped out the City Square pigeons?!” I asked her.
“That’s the one. Lucky no one got hurt. Except the pigeons I guess. Poor pidgies.
“Anyhow, this DNA. It had all the usual AT CG base pairs, but at one point there was a pair we hadn’t seen before. We named them YZ and it only showed up once in the short sequence. We decided to stick the pair in the DNA of an E coli bacteria to see if it did anything, similar to how we manufacture insulin. Maybe we’d synthesise some exotic protein from it?
“Instead, adding that single base pair changed the entire nature of the organism. It quickly became a colony and then a simple multicellular organism similar to a water bear. But it didn’t stop there. It became more complex. Growing to the size of a grapefruit. It looked a bit like a cross between a toad and a hippo, with a long yellow stalk coming from its back.
“One morning, it decided it didn’t want to sit in its nutrient solution any more so it began hovering about 3 feet in the air above it. Just vibing. And its form had changed again. It’s hard to describe. Kinda like a black void? Picture a neutron star, but instead of shining light, it radiates terror, existential dread and the anxiety you feel when waiting to hear about the outcome of a job performance review for a job you really need because society is literally falling apart and apparently now would be a perfect time to make you redundant, even though there was a perfectly good furlough scheme that could be funding your wages.
“It was pretty nuanced as ominous voids go.
“I left soon after that. Not sure what happened to it. I guess it’s still there.”
I left her to sip her coffee and went to check on Gomez. He’s stopped staring at me now, but he won’t take his eye off the second door to my room. I’ve no idea where that door goes. As I’ve said before, I live in a basement and until last night there was only one door in here. At least, I think there was. Maybe I just haven’t noticed it before? I’m surrounded by dirt on all sides so there shouldn’t be another room down here.
It isn’t even really a door. Just a door shaped opening in the corner of my room edged with an inscription that reads:
Per me si va ne la città dolente,
Per me si va ne l’etterno dolore,
Per me si va tra perduta gente.
Which Google Translates reads as “Null Reference Exception: Hope Not Found”, but my phone has been playing up since its trip down the hole so it could be a recipe for vegan pain au chocolat for all I know.
The mysterious door leads to a damp narrow staircase spiralling deep into darkness. The ceiling drips with a malodorous fluid from finger-like stalactites onto the stairs, making them slick and treacherous. The walls are irregularly cut stone with crumbling mortar. Every surface is covered in a mosaic of slime mould lined in miserable gardens of nitre.
This has to be a health hazard. I’ve covered it with a bed sheet.
I emailed my landlords to complain. They say it’s probably rising damp and they’ll send someone to have a look at it. They better sort it out soon. There is a hot and humid draft pouring out of it and the screams are keeping me up at night.
#SomethingWeirdHappenedToday
[ Part 2 ]
fb - ig - tw

The multi-tool. The multiple tools she would have at her disposal could be way more useful than the flashlight, which is only really useful at night or in dark areas and could give away her position to hostile survivors. And this would definitely be more useful than the magazine. With Louis around, she was sure that she would manage to relieve her stress anyways.
"Versatility isn't overrated", Clementine thought to herself before putting the multi-tool in her backpack. And with that, she was ready to leave. Before she closed the door, she took a glance at her own room.
Since the room from her former timeline was now occupied by the twins, as it first belonged to them, Clementine had a new room. One that she shared with the colorful Erin. Of all the things that have radically changed from her timeline, the room that she was in wasn't much different from her old one. Except, of course, the decoration part. Between the colored flowers, a drawing of her favorite fictional character, someone who goes by "Spider-Man", and a flamingo figure, it was quite clearly different from the skulls of a deer, cat and boar, or a toxic mushroom and a Venus flytrap.
This was part of the new life she has decided to live. And she was decided to protect that, no matter what. Clementine left her room and went to join the rest of her team. Soon enough, she has reached the others at the courtyard, as Lee and the others were waiting for her and saying gooodbye to everybody else.
"You ready?", Duck has asked the leader of the Ericson kids. Clementine could see that he was wearing his late father's hat. She couldn't believe how well it suited him.
"I am", Clementine has replied. Violet then went up to her and looked her in the eyes.
"Keep them safe", she has requested. Ed's daughter has nodded to her, definitely not planning to go for another outcome than everybody coming back safe.
After a few more embraces and goodbyes, the group of five were on their way to search for medical supplies. The beginning of their trip was silent...or it might have been if Louis wasn't around.
"So, is it really so bad out there?", Louis has asked, with apprehension clearly distinguishable in his voice, "I mean, you've done this before. Probably pretty good at it by now. Almost like going home for you guys."
"You're not having cold feet now, are you?", Marlon has taunted his best friend, but it's pretty clear that he was worried too.
"Of course not! Maybe you're the one having cold feet, but certainly not me!"
"Yes, it is", Lee has answered Louis' question, "But after all we taught you guys and with us around, you should be okay."
"Of course I will be!", the resident jokester has maintained his bravado, "I told you before, haven't I? I'm a ninja!"
"Oh my god...", Duck has muttered in a tone that made his thoughts pretty clear. "Why did we bring this guy again?"
"The question we should be asking is, where do we start?", Marlon has asked, "If we're going to look for medicine, I'd like to know where we're going."
Briefly thinking about how to tell him about Richmond without giving away her secret, she has decided to settle on the following:
"I'm thinking about starting with a place not too far from here, Richmond."
"The capital of Virginia, right?", Marlon asked, "Why would you go there? You always told us that cities were to avoid."
"We did", Clem admitted, "But it's not like we're planning on staying there. Besides, on our way here, we've heard that a community was living there. They could have something we can use."
The two Ericson kids didn't seem sold on the plan.
"So we could be going to a death trap based on a rumour?", Marlon has asked, "And even if that were true, what makes you think they'll give us their stuff?"
After a short beat, Clementine stopped in her tracks and turned to Marlon, before answering his question.
"Alright...here's what we're gonna do..."
Jane could hear someone sob next to her. It was AJ, with her mother trying to comfort him the best she can.
"I know I shouldn't be crying...", the little boy has said in between sobs, "But I miss them..."
"Me too, sweetie", Rebecca responded, first in an affectionate tone, then muttered to herself, in a more grave one "Me too."
It was only about fifteen minutes that Clementine and the others have left the school, but the hardened young woman couldn't exactly blame them for missing them already. In fact, she did too. This was the first time in years that Clem, Lee and Duck have left her side. So suddenly watching them leave, as it could be the last time she saw them...kind of left her with a feeling of emptiness. Thankfully not the kind she had to live through with Luke and (especially) her sister, but...it seemed close enough.
If anyone had told Jane that she would live with a bunch of kids hiding in the woods, she would have scoffed at that ridiculous claim. Still, while Clementine thought of this place as a safehaven, the older survivor had her doubts about that. Especially after she heard about the raiders that came in Clementine's original timeline. To Jane, no group could last, even one with bonds as seemingly unbreakable as this one, and her time with them hasn't blinded her to that fact. And the day it will eventually fall apart, she knew that the bonds these kids share would inevitably prompt them to put themselves before those that came lately. As would everybody else. Nevertheless, here she was, the closest thing to a leadership figure they currently had, as Clementine left their lives in her hands. Which was why she didn't have the luxury to dwell on her own past or worries anymore.
"Alright, everyone!", she called out the rest of the school, "Time for practice!"
A mix of enthusiasm and groans could be heard among the kids following that order.
Clementine was alone by the river. Well, not exactly alone, but there was Rosie, barking at her, quite obviously happy to be with her. Sometimes, she wished she knew how she could talk. Her presence might cheer her up. How long has it been since the escape from the boat? A week? Two? A month? She didn't know, and she didn't care. For the first few days she came back to the school, Clementine didn't speak to anyone, except when she had to assign tasks to the group. It was slowly starting to change, since everybody was as traumatized with the experience as everybody else, and they needed somebody to count on to start healing their wounds, but it seemed the young girl was incapable of dealing with her own.
Tired of being alone in her thoughts, Clementine got up. It was time to put away the spear she had just used to catch the five fishes.
"Stay here", she told Rosie before going back to the fishing shack. After putting the spear back on the wall, she has noticed something. The heart. "V+M". A part of herself has considered Minerva to be just as responsible of this disaster. Had she accepted to follow her and the others...AJ, James, Violet, Tenn...they would still be alive. One day, she even considered scratching out this heart. But then, even if she only remembered her as an enemy, Violet and her used to love each other. Minerva used to be the friend of everybody else. It wasn't up to Clem to erase this part of their past. Besides, sometimes, looking at it allowed Clementine to remember Lilly took away more than AJ.
Hearing Rosie bark outside the shack. Did she notice something? Somebody? Preparing herself for anything, Clementine took out her knife and joined her loyal ally. The sight that she witnessed caught her off-guard. It was Tenn, petting Rosie. Soon enough, he noticed her presence when she got closer.
"Hey, Clem...", he said with an hesitant tone.
"Tenn?", Clementine let out as she put her knife away.
"Here", Tenn said as he gave her...her hat, "Sorry it's so wet. I almost fell in when I got it. I figured you would want it back."
Clementine took her hat back, then looked back at Tenn. He seemed like he had something else to say.
"I'm sorry about Violet", he began, "I'm...I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, or AJ. I'm sorry. I don't know why I mess up all the time. I'm just...I'm really sorry. I wish it was different. Please, don't shoot me."
As she was about to ask him why'd say that, she suddenly remembered how they parted ways.
"Come here", the leader has told him.
After a moment, Tenn brought himself to do as he was asked with difficulty. Eventually...he was within...hugging range. The little boy has returned the embrace after recovering from his surprise. Clementine broke it after a bit.
"I would never do that to you", she reassured him.
"But you said..."", Tenn has started.
"I know what I said", Clementine has cut him off, "And I regret every word. I'm the one who should be sorry, for the way I treated you on our way back."
She could tell that her friend appreciated her apology, but she wasn't prepared to hear what he said next.
"But you were right about me", Tenn has replied.
"What do you mean?, AJ's former caretaker has asked, somewhat puzzled."
"Do you remember that drawing I made for you and AJ the night Brody died? With the house and the walkers and my sisters and me?"
"Yeah. I do."
"When I followed the river...I found Minnie and Violet's bodies. I saw what the walkers did to them. They were...just bones and stuff. Meat. I could still tell who they were. By their clothes, I mean. But their faces... They didn't look like them anymore. They smelled awful."
Clementine has stayed silent, unsure how to react to that. Besides, she could tell that he was getting to his point.
"When I saw Minnie's body for real", Tenn continued, "...how the walkers left her...I realized that you were right. Those drawings were stupid. That house will never be real. I'll never meet my sisters again. The only thing real is when we're alive."
Once more, Clementine wasn't sure whether to be relieved that Tenn was finally starting to see the world as it was, or saddened by the fact he lost his innocence in the same way she did.
"I don't think I really know anything about the world, Clem", AJ's first friend has ultimately declared, "But you do. Can...can you teach me to be like you instead? The way I think just gets people in trouble. I don't want to be why someone dies. Ever again. I've just been thinking about it all wrong. You save people, though. I've seen it. I want to be like that."
A few seconds of silence ensued after that request. As much as she would like to make Tenn better at surviving, the flaws of her own teaching were made apparent to her in the most brutal way possible. Her decision was already made.
"I appreciate that you think that of me, Tenn", she has started, "But no. You don't have to become like me. Some people are better off as artists. It's why everybody likes you."
She then picked up the bucket as Tenn lowered his head in slight disappointment.
"Let's go back before the others start wondering where I went", Clementine has stated.
On these words, she left the area alongside Rosie and Tenn.
"Clem", she heard somebody call out to her attention, "Clem!"
"Huh?", Clementine has let out, "Sorry. What were you saying?"
"I was saying that we should be close according to the map", Marlon has stated.
"Yeah, we are", she has confirmed.
The original leader then went a little closer to her.
"Stay focused, Clem. Everyone's counting on us back at the school."
"Well, I think we could all use a rest", Louis has pointed out.
"We already took a break two hours ago", Marlon retorted.
"Still. We're all clearly tired, and it's the middle of the night. What do you think they'll do if a bunch of strangers come bugging them now?"
"...Wow, that's probably the first sensible thing you said since we began to travel."
"Shut up, dude!", Louis has said without being the slightly bit offended, prompting Marlon and Duck to chuckle at his expense, "So, how about setting a campfire not too fire from here?"
"...Sure, why not?", Kenny's son has agreed.
"Fine", Marlon seconded.
"Campfire it is, then", Lee has decided.
Not too far from there, each of them sat on conveniently placed tree stumps.
"So...who's down for a game?", Louis has asked while bringing out his cards.
"Really?", Duck was in disbelief that he brought that with him in a mission to recover medicine, "Now?"
"When's a better time?", Louis has asked, "Tomorrow, we might all get eaten alive."
"How is that relevant?"
"Well, I'm down for it", Clementine has stated, catching Duck off-guard.
"Me too", Lee has added, while Marlon agreed and took a pile of cards.
"Come on, man", Louis has asked Duck, "We've been walking and running for all day today and yesterday. Surely you need to have some fun too."
Ultimately, he took his own cards.
"It'd better be good this time", Duck has warned.
"You're still sore about last time?", Louis taunted him about the time he ended up losing and had to spill most of his embarrassing moments.
"...Start playing, dammit."
The game that was to be played was Cheat, a game that was all about deception and calling bluffs. Of course, as walkers could hear them in the woods, they've decided to avoid the usual shouting and call "bullshit" calmly when needed.
"Two Kings", Louis announced.
"Yeah, bullshit", Clementine has called his bluff before checking what he really played before giving him the entire pile.
"Damn. You could have at least pretended not to see through it. Just for a bit."
"Nope! No mercy here!"
"So that's how it is, huh?"
Duck, despite being initially reluctant in playing, proved pretty serious about winning this time. And sure enough, he was the first to get rid of his cards, while Louis was the last one who still had his own cards in his hands. His blue eyed opponent looked at him with a triumphant smile.
"What happened, Louis?", Duck has mockingly asked.
"Looks like I wasn't as good a liar as you guys", Louis has muttered.
"Well, I won. That means you'll do whatever I ask you for a week."
"Oh man..."
Soon after the end of their game, the group has decided to talk about...anything, really.
"So, say this mess goes away one day...what would you do?", Louis has asked everyone.
"I dunno", Duck simply said.
"Not sure", Lee has honestly said, "Maybe I would go back to teaching. Well, as long as nobody knows about my past, that is."
"I gotta admit, I couldn't believe it when you told us about it", Marlon has said, "But at least, you told us. Besides, at least you didn't turn out to be a bad guy."
"Yeah...", Lee has let out, "So, what would you do, Marlon."
"Well, I think I would try to be a baseball player."
"Baseball, huh?", Duck started, "I can't say I was much of a fan when I was a kid."
"I dunno", Clementine said, "It still seems better than football."
"I can't believe you said that!"
"What? I always wanted to try playing baseball. My father loved that sports."
"Well, maybe we could play someday", Marlon has concluded.
"What about you, Clem?", Duck has asked.
Thinking briefly about her answer, she has finally said the following:
"I think I would spend a lot of time in a library first!", Clementine has said.
"Is that so?", Louis has asked, "We got plenty of books at our school."
"Yeah, but I miss learning as I used to when I went to school. This time without having to worry about these things, you know. And who knows, maybe this would allow me to find out what I wanna do with my life after this."
Lee then yawned.
"Shit. I didn't realize I was that tired. That break was a good call, Louis."
"Of course it was!", Louis has bragged.
"Yeah, don't let it go to your head", Marlon has replied.
"So, who wants to take first watch?", Lee has asked.
NOTE: The two characters picked will be the ones who will have the chance to talk to Clementine and improve their relationship with her. This choice is the first opportunity to start a romantic route. The romantic options will have two characters specific to them, "Friendship" and "Romance". Both will count towards the final total, but the category with the higher total will be the one that will apply. Only one romantic path can apply. Pick carefully.
View Poll

Hello Repfam!
I'm back with a review of yet another goldmine factory that I decided to try out, this time on the Dior Book Tote. Are you ready?
​
\**DISCLAIMER: NOTHING OF MINE IS SPONSORED. I PAY FOR EVERYTHING AND NO ONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME A DISCOUNT**\**
Seller: TS Redden
(note: she is not taking new customers at the moment).
Factory: There is no name for this factory according to our RL Factory Directory. Redden calls this SB factory. Alice calls this Saibina (in her Wechat moments).
The factory usually uses the description "D1OR BOOK TOTE" in their Moments, so you can use that as a search term. Other TSes that seem to have the same factory includes the Lindashians (e.g. Linda, Anna, Aaron).
If you want to buy the bag from the same factory, you should send the factory pictures that I have attached directly to your seller, and not ask anyone for "SB factory" (except Redden, because she gave me that name with the understanding that I'm going to review it on RL).
Price: 1080CNY + 20CNY domestic shipping to TB agent warehouse.
Paid via Taobao (Note: as I have made many purchases from Redden, she now allows me to use Taobao to pay her. She doesn't allow this with the first purchase).
Shipping Method: Economy Air shipping by TB agent warehouse
​
***TIMELINE**\*
6 Aug - Asked Redden if she had the book tote after spotting it in Aaron's Moments. She said yes, she had it, and that it was very very well made. I ordered and paid.
8 Aug - PSPs were sent to me
9 Aug - My warehouse receives the bag
21 Aug - Bag is received!
​
***PHOTOS**\*
My photos | With side by side comparison to auth | Comparison of packaging to auth (do note that I don't think the auth large book totes actually come with a box)
PSPs | Factory pics | Modshots
​

THE REVIEW

I have an auth book tote in the small size (different design), and I also managed to take pictures of the auth version of my bag in the boutique (before going home to order the rep LOL), so I will reference them for my assessment.
​
***QUALITY: 9.6/10**\*
(1) CONSTRUCTION OF THE BAG
Nothing to fault here. The bag is rigid enough to be left standing upright as it should be, can be folded flat as it should be, and shape-wise I really cannot find any non-conformities to the auth.
The piping throughout that is holding the bag together is also neat and even.
The handles looked wonky compared to my auth handles when the book tote was brand new, but you can actually manhandle the handles into the shape that you want. I just squished it into the way I wanted it to look, and after using it a few times it looks much better now, better than what you see in the photos I've taken.
(2) EMBROIDERY & STITCHING
The embroidery is neat throughout and there are no stray threads that speak of a quality issue.
(Note: I actually have stray threads on my auth book tote, from when it was brand new and subsequently from time to time with each use. I've even taken a sharp sewing scissors to my auth to trim those stray ends, ESPECIALLY at the bottom left corners of the 'I's on CHRISTIAN DIOR 😂. So don't freak out on your reps if this happens).
For the edge stitching on the bag, interestingly, some parts of my auth are really messy; I'm quite sure the auth is hand-stitched in these parts. On the rep bag it is pretty much straight to a fault, even if it's jagged it's a straight line still, so I'm quite sure the rep is machine-stitched. Taking just a few points off for this because it's hard to tell (-0.2).
(3) TOUCH & SMELL
The main difference I get from my auth is that the auth feels really nice and soft when I run my hands over it. Whereas the rep feels much coarser to the touch. So I'll deduct points here (-0.2).
But considering the rep is 5.5% the cost of the auth.... I'll sacrifice the tactile pleasure of the auth, thank you very much 😂
There was a verryyyyyy slight fufu smell on unboxing which has cleared with airing the bag out over a few days.
(4) CAN YOU PACK EVERYTHING AND YOUR SINK INTO IT?
On a final note, I've actually filled my rep bag to the absolute brim several times, and I always lug ALL that shit home using public transport without my bag actually breaking apart... so yes, it's a workhorse. I think that the total weight was like the weight of a fucking sack of rice 😂
Can you pack everything and your sink into it? Yes, you probably can, just note that your arms are more likely to break from the weight of filling the bag to the brim, because the bag is already quite hefty when it's empty.
​
***ACCURACY: 8.3/10**\*
Are you ready to play 'spot the difference'? Because that's essentially what we need to do today.
You may want to open this comparison collage to help you...
Note: if I wanted to pick out EVERY miniscule difference in the embroidery, with such an intricate design we'll never finish, so I'll just pick out the bigger ones that caught my eye.
If you don't nitpick to the extent that I do, a fairer score would probably be 9.5 or 9.8 / 10.
​
(1) HANDLES & INNER STITCHING
I think the handles are the easiest way to call this bag out. But even then, you still need to have the auth as a reference.
When you look at the front of the bag straight on, the design on the handles are slightly different from the auth (-0.2).
From the back, looking at the bag straight on, the differences get more obvious. For example the flamingo head is supposed to be on the right side and not the left. The tree right under the left handle is supposed to extend up onto the handle as well, but this is missing (-0.2).
One of the biggest 'mistakes' I've noticed, is there is a blue thread in the middle of nowhere running along the inner bag piping (-0.5). Look at the CD leather tab and look right above it: I'm talking about that long blue thread. This doesn't exist at all on the auth so I'll deduct points here. I'm taking -0.5 instead of a lower value because I don't understand why this happened when the factory clearly got their hands on the auth to copy.
I feel the piping of the insides of the handles of the rep also looks much thicker than on the auth. The auth has some cream embroidery mixed into it, whereas on the rep it's just completely navy through and through (-0.2).
​
(2) OVERALL DESIGN (FRONT & BACK ARE SIMILAR)
Look at the first palm tree from the left (nearest to the flamingos). There's a gap on the auth as it meets the giant stripe in the middle of the bag. But there's no gap on the rep. I cannot unsee this ever since I saw it on the PSPs, so I'll take off points (-0.2).
The borders of the giant stripe along the bag (where the CHRISTIAN D1OR branding is printed) are also more clearly defined on the auth than on the rep (-0.2)
Like the handles, there tends to be some cream embroidery on the front and back side piping of the auth bag, which isn't on the rep. I like how the rep doesn't have the cream though haha.
​
(3) CD & PARIS FONT
This is my favourite part. Some of the factories' fonts just look terrible (I've seen font which look way too thick; like, the gap between each letter is too small).
Just look at the comparison photos and tell me what differences you can find, please? 😂
Anyway in a moment of insanity I tried measuring that gap between each letter and comparing it with my auth:

GAP BETWEEN LETTERS	AUTH	REP
C - H	0.3cm	0.25cm
H - R	0.4cm	0.4cm
R - I	0.4cm	0.4cm
S - T	0.1cm	0.05cm

Christ, I stopped here because I do not want to continue this madness (pun fully intended).
​
(4) CD LEATHER TAB
The colour of the tab is correct (black), and they got the font right, yay! Rest assured the font on the rep also gives the same shimmery gold look as my auth (though you can't really see that on the picture). The font on my auth might be a bit more shiny but I'm not sure if it's just a visual trick because the tab on my auth is white instead of black.
The only issue I don't really like is that the MADE IN ITALY is kinda low. I think the auth tab is a little bit longer vertically so it has more space beneath the MADE IN ITALY (-0.2).
Anyway, the back of the CD leather tab has the bag's serial code number. If you're concerned that it doesn't exist on the rep, making it a call out, rest assured--it's there. The font is bit larger than on my auth however. I will not show pictures of this because you should not be trying to sell your rep bag as auth.
Alright, I'm done 'cuz I'm going blind lol!
​
***SATISFACTION: 1000000000/10**\*
I don't know why I bought a small auth Dior book tote for bloody $4600 thinking "I better buy this because this will be so hard to rep". I'm horrendously wrong, because the factories have gotten so damn good at copying the book totes!!! Thankfully, this rep book tote is a wonderful consolation (I didn't have to spend another $4200 for this, phew, LOL)-- and I will NEVER buy an auth book tote again as I know how good the reps can be!
I do wish the rest of the rep factories would be able to do name customization-- if they were able to do this, I would certainly have sold my auth book tote and replaced it with a rep.
Would I dare take this book tote into Dior? Hell yes. I just won't be able to explain to my SA why I didn't buy it from her 😂
You even get packaging which is pretty close to the auth packaging! Win win win win.
Just don't bring it to Dior asking to get your name on it, I'm pretty sure they'll burn it when it gets to Paris, given that there are still differences in the material and the workmanship 😂
​
***COMMUNICATION WITH SELLER: 10/10**\*
As usual, Redden is my queen. When I first messaged her about the book tote's factory pics, I asked her if the factory was using pictures of the auth (as some horrible factories do), or were they true factory pictures. She told me that the factory was really good and very kindly sent me another customer's PSPs of the Around the World book tote from the same factory. Needless to say I took the leap of faith once again on trying this nobody factory and was well rewarded.
Anyway, I still think the factory pictures are auth pics, but at least the rep turned out insanely good.
​
***BONUS: the small versus the large, which should I get?**\*
If you are buying reps, you can have them both, really. But okay, if you really only need ONE, I will suggest the small for the vast majority. It's a more practical size.
I DO NOT recommend the large if you are petite; it is probably too big for your frame. As a reference point, my height is 167cm. My friends who are shorter (e.g. around 150cm) do not like how it looks on them when they held it.
Also, the large is much heavier than my small book tote, and I don't know why. Even my husband was surprised by how hefty it felt in his hands when he held it for me once; I didn't even have much inside (just two SLGs, a small water bottle and my phone, earphones, and keys?).
I shoulder carry the large most of the time. Sometimes I also wear it on the crook of my arm. Due to its weight I don't really like to hand hold it especially if I have lots of stuff in it, though it looks nice when you do that too.
​
***BONUS BONUS: how do you keep your white book tote clean?**\*
I spray my white book tote with Scotchgard Fabric Protector spray to help give it a water repelling effect. And I just keep it away from food and sauces that might splash onto the bag. By the way, my SA said the book tote can be dry cleaned, so I guess you could do that for the reps too.
Will the handles get dirty? Yes, the ones on my white BT start to yellow after a while. So I actually clean my auth handles by putting a small amount of dishwashing detergent into a tray of water, dipping a toothbrush into that solution, and then brushing the handles furiously to get out all the grime that accumulates after a while! Since the handles are slightly wet thereafter, I press some white kitchen towel paper over the damp handles to absorb whatever moisture I can, and blow dry the handles with a hair dryer. Honestly you could leave it to just air dry and I'm sure it'll be fine too.
​

THE END

I hope you guys enjoyed this review! Off you go to buy your book totes!
P.S. If you're adding me on my OOTD IG (my IG handle is in the title of the Imgur post containing my modshots), please remember not to doxx me as a rep buyer, thanks! My followers are free to PM me on IG to ask me where I get my stuff (trust me, the vast majority of my stuff are reps or from TB, I pretty much only buy auth H scarves now), but please be nice, introduce yourself as a rep buyer in your PM to me, and I'll be happy to help!

A synopsis of the Ron Magill segment. See the 2020 Index for other shows.
The final Ron Magill on the final Greg Cote Tuesday on ESPN.

Quote of the day

Sometimes it might be better to cut them off

New stats of the day

number of times Ron says:

Phrase	This show	Year to date
Bottom line	1	24
at the end of the day	0	13

Animals mentioned

• Jimmy Durante
• Aye-aye (lemur)
• Blob fish
• Booby, blue-footed
• Bullet ant
• cephalopods
• Deer
• Dogs
• Elephants
• Flamingos
• Frog, waxy monkey
• Humboldt squid
• Hyenas
• Kirk's dik-dik
• Lions
• Lions, Tsavo man-eaters
• Octopus
• pachyderms
• Penguins
• Slider turtle
• Spider, peacock
• Tigers

Questions

Roy Bellamy: I've seen many videos of people who have tamed wild animals. Like lions and they are just rubbing them like dogs. What does it take too tame a wild animal? And why haven't these animals turned on these people?
Ron: A lot of these cases you might ask "Why haven't these animals turned on these people, YET." Because, more often than not, that's usually the end result. Bottom Line is these animals are raised with people. They look at people, not as a threat. Many people are very lucky, they can go through their lives without having any serious injuries. But, I can tell you, anybody who treats a lion like a dog is manufacturing a recipe for disaster. Even the people who do this -- Kevin Richardson, really well-known for interacting with lions and hyenas out in South Africa, will be the first to tell you he's probably going to die that way.
Dan: Wow, that took a dark turn there, where you just sort of dismounted --
Ron: I'm just telling, I'm just trying to be honest with you guys. This is that old saying, you can take the animal out of the wild you can never take the wild out of the animal. Taming an animal and domesticating an animal are two totally different things. You may tame an animal temporarily, but as soon as that animal as an attitude or has a problem, or gets angry, somebodies gonna feel the wrath of the animal and it could be devastating.

​

Dan: How does one train a lion?
Ron: I'm not going to give a course on training a lion on ESPN radio. Basically, it's just a matter of setting up a protocol. Trying to establish yourself as the hierarchy part of that. Lions are social animals, you've got to be the alpha male. You have to know how to work around these animals. You have to know there's certain body positions certain postures, certain smells that might set an animal off and that's all trial and error. It's tremendous amounts of experience and anybody who's trained these animals for any length of time I can guarantee every one of them has been injured, one way or another.

​

Dan: Have you ever had a bad interaction with a lion?
Ron: No, I've never gotten into a situation where there's no barrier between me and an adult lion. I've been with juvenile lions, subadult lions, I've been slapped at a couple times, I've gotten scratched at a couple times, I've gotten some bites, but nothing like "I wanna kill you" type of stuff. Now at my age, I would never go in with an animal like that, at all.

​

Chris Cote: A zoo keeper has drawn the short straw when they have to clean this animal exhibit?
Ron: ha ha ha ha. It depends on what you're looking at. If it's just physical work, it's gonna be an elephant exhibit. An elephant can defecate 300 pounds of feces in one day. Each elephant. That's a tremendous amount of work, that's a tremendous amount of weight, the wheelbarrows going up the ramp. It's a smell. Most elephant keepers, you know they're elephant keepers when they come home, because it's a smell that permeates through the body. I don't find it that offensive, a lot of people do. That's the hardest work. But if you're talking slimy and stuff, gosh, when you gotta clean the flamingo pond or the penguins -- a lot of these birds that feed on fish -- oh my gosh. Any fish-eating animal is just, the smell is just hellacious. It's horrible. You go to any penguin in any zoo and you'd be hard pressed not to be hit by the smell. No matter how clean or how wonderful the filtration is.

​

Dan: Put it on the poll, Guillermo: Are you surprised to learn that the penguin exhibit smells worse than elephant poop?

​

Michael Ryan Ruiz: I've been reading about the Tsavo man-eaters. They were sort of fictionalized and sensationalized in The Ghost and the Darkness. I'm wondering if lions can truly develop a taste for human flesh?
Ron: Absolutely. There's no question about it. It's not necessarily a taste for human flesh, it's a taste for easy opportunity. Those lions found out this was easy prey. Remember, animals look at things "i hate you, so I'm going to kill you over anything else." They look at you and say, "you're easy, I can get you with minimum amount of energy and you provide a protein for me." You have the same issue with tigers in India. Once a tiger becomes a man-killer, those tigers have to be either removed from the area or they have to be taken out; they have to be euthanized. Because they have learned this is easy prey. It's a lot easier to catch a human than to catch a deer.

​

Vince: Would you rather be hit in the crotch by a humboldt squid or a bullet ant? Are cephalopods overrated, are pachyderms underrated? Why do dogs do that super cute
Dan: Get out of here Get out of here Get out of here. Leave us alone. Answer whatever you heard, there.
Ron: I wouldn't want to be hit in the crotch by a bullet ant. I was hit in the hand by a bullet ant and it felt like somebody hit me with a hammer kept in an iron fire. But having said that, the squid -- if you've ever seen the beak on a cephalopod, on these squids or octopus -- I mean it's not going to bite you, it's going to castrate you. One or the other --
Dan: no no no, a bullet ant and castration are two different things. It can be horrible, but a fiery hammer is not as bad as castration.
Ron: I don't know, Dan.

​

Dan: Put it on the poll, Guillermo: Is a fiery hammer to the crotch worse than castration?
Me: Reader, Guillermo did not put it on the poll.

​

Ron: A fiery hammer to the crotch, that's going to be ongoing, it's like he keeps hitting you with the hammer BAM BAM. The sting is not just boom one time and it's over. It keeps on going and it gets worse for hours. Sometimes it might be better to cut them off.
Dan: Oh, for the love of god.
Stugotz: I was going to say that. I'm with Ron. I think it might better to just cut them off.
Dan: ok ok that's enough.
Ron: Amputation, to sate the pain.

​

Dan: Let's just end the segment, there. Symbolically, with Ron Magill. You just heard the argument break out whether you'd prefer to be castrated or just have a throbbing pain from a fiery hammer in your crotch.
Ron: OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Dan: Yes, you mentioned that. Thank you. Let's end that segment -
Stugotz: IT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST THING EVER.
Dan: Well, castration sounds like the worst thing ever, is what I'm arguing. Castration sounds worse than a couple hours of throbbing pain. Yes. Come on. Mike, which way do you vote? Castrated or a fiery hammer to the loins for two hours?
Michael Ryan Ruiz: Fiery loins.
Dan: How about you, Tony?
Tony, the new guy: Fiery loins.
Dan: Roy?
Roy Bellamy: My loin is on fire.
Ron: You guys are young. See, I've already been through that phase, I'm older.
Dan: Is this an age question? Alright, Greg Cote?
Greg Cote: Castratin' it.

Video

this is the video
​

Dan: What's the video?
Ron: Oh, it's a video of weird, ugly animals, but there's no sounds telling you what they are. The first one is called a blob fish; sometimes called the Jimmy Durante fish because of its nose. The next is a slider turtle. Then a waxy monkey frog, Then there's the Aye-aye (lemur) -- this is a really neat animal, it looks like something out of Star Wars. It has a neat little finger, it looks like yoda. Oh, and then you have the peacock spider. That is one of the greatest spiders ever - google peacock spider and look at the courtship of this spider. And then we have an octopus; what's so funny about an octopus? Oh, and the blue-footed booby. You go to the Galapagos Islands, they have all the booby pictures and they go "I love boobys." It's really fun.
Dan: Ok, so there it is. The segment ends with a fireworks show of --
Ron: Oh, and then you have the Kirk's dik-dik. That's actually its real name. Let's end on that. A little Kirk's dik-dik [sings ESPN theme] Da dada Da dada
Dan: I thought it was going to end with booby pix, but nope, he escalated it. We can't harness the old guys today.

Bonus video

new Christmas song from Charly Bliss

Hi again guys! I am procrastinating on some work so I wanted to post this sooner rather than later so I have no excuses. Yesterday I wrote a post about how I integrate looksmaxxing to fit in with my lifestyle and to maximize the effectiveness of my routines. For instance, you need to shower. At least every other day. So why not use that time in the shower most effectively to get the best results? This is just my personal thoughts and things I use in my day to day life for my body. Feel free to adjust to your budget or lifestyle!
Showering
you need to be showering, you know that. You know you need to be using some kind of body cleanser like soap (at the very least!). The best thing to do to maximize your body routine is to use strong but naturally scented body products. And a few at that. Naturally scented as in not super artificial smelling, and something that goes with the type of perfume you want. Think in terms of scent families. Are you more drawn to something that smells sweet? Sweet like fruit or sweet like ice cream? How will the scent mix with your perfume? Think in terms of all of that. I use a lot of Lush Cosmetics for body care, as its more accessible to me and I find a lot of the scents appealing. I prefer a sweeter vanilla ice-cream scent, so I will use a more neutral sweet soap (sultana of soap) that is very moisturizing on my dry skin. Then, ill follow up with the stronger scented shower gel (either Nana, which is very vanilla custard, or Honey I Washed the Kids, which has a honey toffee scent). That’s usually enough for an everyday shower routine and I can smell it for about 5ish hours afterwards just based on the soap+shower gel combination. If I’m going on a date, I will follow up with additional lush products in similar scents like a shower oil (scrubee). Please feel free to adapt this with any beauty brand you so desire. This is just my routine!
I would also recommend shaving (or your choice of body hair removal). You don’t have to, I just feel it makes you feel more soft and silky. I think its shaving gets you into a sexy and sultry mental place. Try to exfoliate before you shave (about a day before usually). I struggle a little with finding a good exfolater that’s really rough but also doesn’t irritate my skin. I usually go for a lush related scrub like a scrubee. If you do shave, make sure to invest in a decent razor (think harrys, flamingo, billie, etc) and get replacement cartridges. I think they get a much closer shave and it’s a little more cost-effective than buying whole new razors every month or so. Shave maybe twice a week, or if you have an event or something. And be sure to moisturize after! Or use some sort of oil. You don’t want to deal with the irritation post-shave. I havent really dove into trying at home waxing but I think at some point this year ill buy a kit and see how it goes.
When it comes to your bikini line, well..thats something I am still experimenting with. Come this spring I am going to try at home waxing. I usually don’t go to professionals too often for services and like to just diy where possible, but this may become something I give up on. Just try to make sure if youre going to a pool party that hairs aren’t sticking out lol whatever works best for you.
Post Shower Care
Speaking of which, post-shower care. MOISTURIZE AFTER. The best time to moisturize is when youre fresh out of the shower. Try to use a moisturizer that once again fits your scent family/profile. I use Lush’s Sympathy for the skin moisturizer which smells like melted vanilla ice cream. Pay attention to any dry spots/important bits like tattoos. The ideal is that you smell good, you smell faintly like your chosen scent, but when someone gets close to you, then they get the full effect. No more 30 sprays of bath and body works to cover up a not so great smell. If you have those body sprays, I would recommend to spritz your clean laundry with it in your dressers to keep them smelling nice, but not dousing yourself.
Perfume
Then, be sure to follow up with a limited but precise perfume application. I recommend Replica perfumes highly, but the pricetag is high. I specifically use the Beach Walk eau de toilette which smells like sea salt and sun. I mix this with my sweet vanilla-y body products for a very “melted vanilla ice cream on the boardwalk” vibe. I like picking scent “vibes” wherein they trigger memories. inner wrists, the base of the throat, behind ear lobes, in the cleavage, behind knees, and the inner elbows are the places to aim. If I have a date I also do inner thighs. Pay attention to how strong your perfume is and adjust accordingly. Inner wrists and throat can be more than enough sometimes. And try as best you can to go in person and try out each perfume with your own body chemistry. Let it settle on your skin throughout the day and see how it fades on you. A good way to start is to go online to sephora and peruse the perfume section and see what catches your eye and read the scent descriptions. Even better to get a list and go to sephora and work your way through. If you cant go in person just buy a travel rollerball to test before dropping down 100+. Juicy couture perfume smells like Walmart kids perfume despite costing $$$. Also, try to only buy perfume on sale, if possible. Its one of the best things to buy on sale (or get someone to buy you perfume). By setting up a sephora account you get access to guaranteed two sales per year, if not more (around holiday and around spring).
Nails
Now, nails. Ive only just recently started caring about my nails because my boyfriends family cares SO DAMN MUCH about nails. They would judge me for them being chipped. I havent yet gotten to the point where I go to get them done. The essentials for getting them done at home are the polish (try to look for good drugstore brands without ingredients like formaldehyde), nail polish remover, something to shape the nails (either a file or a clipper), and preferably a top and bottom coat for lasting power and shine. Hand cream isn’t a bad idea either, or oils for the nails like jojoba or rosehip (which you can also use for your hair or face). On that note, try to take care of your feet too. I have a foot cream from lush which is pretty hydrating (pink peppermint) but that’s for when I am home alone and not going out. Try to make sure you don’t have any super long toenails and paint them if you wish. Invest in one of those dead skin contraptions if you have a major problem with dead skin. Or baby foot haha.
Deodorant
A must. I switch between natural and regular. I prefer natural (rn im using schmidts) but with prolonged use I can get a little irritated. Also, sometimes you need to be sure you will not have wet armpits. Just keep in mind and try to stick to neutral scents or something in line with your scent family. Just as long as it isn’t dramatically different.
Tanning
You could also choose to invest in tanning. I love tanning. I am about a MAC NC20 and applying self tanner makes such a huge difference on me. I look fit, sexy, even skinned (no redness that I can get), everything just looks better on me when I’m tan. Rn I am using Isle of Paradises medium range, but I am deciding whether or not its worth looking into another brand. I use the medium drops into my moisturizer to tan my face, and the foam for my body. I don’t consistently tan currently being home all day, but under normal circumstances I have to reapply about twice a week. In winter I can get away with very selective tanning sometimes when Im wearing sweaters and long jeans. Its definitely an attractiveness booster for me, but its very ymmv.
Feeling Extra
If you are going on a date, or just generally out and youre going to show some skin- consider a body luminizer like fentys body lava or the Patrick ta body glow. Just to give you that little extra something.
thats it for body care! I literally cant think of anything else that hasnt been said. Be back soon for more posts on makeup and fashion! And thank you all for being so kind on my last post <3 Edit: formatting and spelling

First, no matter how much I apologize, it can and never will be enough. I have so many wonderful people to Thank... this has been a horrific year for us all, and the connectivity brought by a card, a postcard, a note has been vital to my sanity. I finally came home on Friday, with my 4 legged fur baby after a long spring, and summer. In March, my state was in the grips of the pandemic, at a time when we barely understood everything about this novel virus. I don’t consider myself an essential worker, but a higher being decided I was essential to the essential workers, those incredible people on the front lines of caring for those who had the virus. No amount of Thank You would ever be enough to the people who directly cares for patients with COVID-19, who holds their hands as they say goodbye to loved ones over a video call. I love my work, I really, really do, and many of you may find it incredibly odd when I say, my job isn’t a job, it’s a privilege, and everyday is like inhaling happy gas, but for the first time ever, it wasn’t happy gas... not in the least. I had been asked to come to a couple of cities to provide “relief”, and that’s not unusual in what I do, but it was just longer this time, and it was lonelier because there’s really nowhere to go. I desperately missed home, in the worst possible way, and combined with erratic work hours, I was on the verge of insanity. I finally came home on Friday, and will be in self isolation for 14 days... my furry friend couldn’t be happier, because there were many days he hated me for dragging him along, but I came home to so much happy mail !!!! It literally moved me to tears !! My mom had organized it all by date, so I have been opening one after another, and I can’t even begin to express the amount of gratitude I have for each and every one of you... beautiful cards, with beautiful messages...I hope I haven’t forgotten anyone.
I have a list of wonderful people to send happy mail back, and will be doing that during this time. I got 2 pieces of mail sent out back, so I’m going to be reaching out to them to confirm the address I have is correct. They came back in a ziplock bag with half the card missing, and it never ceases to amaze me that the USPS with all it has to do right now, somehow managed to get it back to the sender. I hope the cards I send, will be enjoyed. I have tried to make them as special as I possibly can. Some of them will reflect what can only be described as a unique sense of humor.
I humbly ask all of you to please, please forgive the late Thank You, but please know every card, every message has been healing for my soul. The kindness of strangers is amazing, and it is through that kindness strangers become friends.
I love adding pictures for you all to see, and I will do that ASAP... I love you all ❤️
u/buttersushi : Thank you so much for the “Let’s Chill” card !!i loved it !! I did not know that North Korea and Cuba do not sell Coca- Cola products !! That was a really awesome fun fact !! I love the Emoji washi tape.
u/shayoy : Thank you so much for the sparkly hello card with the lovely note. Your card really did make a tough day, happy... the quarantine has made everything insane so, Happy Mail is definitely keeping me happy... it’s awesome connecting and meeting wonderful people like you !!
u/PMmeifyourepooping : Thank you for the Alice in Wonderland Card !! So cute !! The fires are horrific... it’s just heartbreaking to see people’s homes burnt to the ground, especially while we’re in the midst of this pandemic. I hope you’re safe and won’t ever have to evacuate.
u/ktsunshine1927 : Thank You so much for the Early Christmas card !! I love Christmas,and it can never come too early !! I loved the stickers ... they’re really unique and the Michigan one was so cute.
u/babyraspberry : Thank you so much for the very cool postcard !! OMG your handwriting is so neat !! I loved the Boa Constrictor Facts !! It’s crazy that they can live up to 30 years !!
u/smileyfangs : Thank you so much for the amazing postcard !! I can shamelessly admit that I would be a great Canadian !! I will definitely have to look for the “Books of Bread” on Hulu, I’m a bit of a horror movie fan... not gory but the paranormal and exorcisms type of movies. Thank you for the Pizza Dough recipe !! I passed it along to my sister too, and we’re going to see whose comes out better !!
u/gaea_made_hippies : Thank you for the Flamingo Card !! I love it... the flamingo facts were awesome !! Who’d ever think that Flamingos are monogamous?
u/stephkempf : Thank you so much for the Early Birthday Card !! I love Birthdays, just not my own !! Every year I hope everyone forgets, and every year without fail, everyone remembers !! I really appreciate you reaching out and remembering my Birthday.
u/quatrocincoseis : Thank you for the awesome card with the pencils on it !! Thank you for the two pencils !! I have always loved writing with pencils, and honestly if I could write in only pencil, I would be ecstatic... not a pen fan. That’s really cool that you love puzzles... I like doing jigsaw puzzles, but I’m so slow with logic... my brother in law has spent many hours trying to explain Sudoku but I still don’t get it, so I’m just content doing word find puzzles
u/writeen : Thank You so much for the Ralph McQuarrie Star Wars card !! I love it !!! It’s quite long !! The Obi-Wan Kenobi quote was perfect !!
u/ivybeanie : I loved the Black Bears card !! It is such a beautiful card !! This is going to sound odd, but I love bears... and I love the show We Bare Bears !!
u/crispyvuitton : Thank you for the New Yorker postcard !! I love it... for some reason I always loved reading the cartoon bits in the magazine. Oh I am the worst kind of foodie... I love street food, so I take Cipro, one immodium and hit the streets. I want to go to Singapore so much, I don’t know if you’ve seen Crazy Rich Asians movie, but the scene where they’re eating street food was my favorite !!
u/happylitt1esongbird : thank you so much for the card and the Harney Cinnamon Tea Bag !! It’s one of my favorites... especially the cinnamon flavor... the smell is divine and is everything fall !! I have always wanted to spend a week in NYC !! It would be an awesome experience... actually, I prefer subways, it really is an experience... and you learn a lot and it’s great for people watching... I met 3 Jesus’s in one day
u/fishladders : Thank you so much for your Save the USPS card !! I love it !! Now more than ever we need to support the USPS
u/rebeldisco : Thank you so much for the Harry Potter Card !! That’s actually one of my favorite scenes... when Harry and Ron are in the car and actually beat the train !!
u/floppypickle69 : Thank you for the best weirdest card I could ever receive !! I LOVED it !! I wish I could have seen our beloved postman’s face... he’s a sweetheart, but old and very proper !!
u/onedarkandstormyknit : Thank you for the vote card !! I absolutely loved that you added the info for voting in Michigan... this really is the election of our lives !! I have signed up everyone I know, and am hand delivering my ballot to the county clerks office !!
u/sunnybumbebe : Thank you so much for the Avocado card !! LOL it was so cute... my dad got the biggest kick out of it !! The “Avo Nice Day” made him laugh so hard !! Thank you for the joy you brought !!
u/mionnn : Thank you so much for the adorable bunnies card !! It’s so cute !! I really appreciate it so much !!
u/jamiesayss : Thank you so much for the Galaxy Card, it is very beautiful !! I agree the first place I travel to is to see my sister and my little nieces... it was insane, they couldn’t come to Michigan in March/April because we had so many Covid cases, now they’re in the midst of their surge, so it’s been hard... fingers crossed, we can go see family soon.
u/desrae2002 : Thank you so much for the adorable Birthday Card !! The baby deer was too cute !! We have so many deer just walking around in everyone’s back yards, it’s funny cause they don’t run when they see people, they have this “Was Up?” look... they ate all our tomatoes and chili peppers which I imagine created some interesting bowel issues.
u/orangewolpertinger : Thank you so very much for the insanely adorable card !! I loved it, yarn makes me happy, I don’t know why, it’s like the weirdest fetish, and you can never have too much yarn !! OMG, I’m so jealous you got to work at Joann’s, but honestly if o worked there, I would owe more than my paycheck !!
u/daisymcgee : Thank you so much for the carrot card !! I love it... it’s right up my alley in terms of humor !! Somehow, I missed the Imperial War Museum when I was in London.
Photos... because pictures are always fun
https://imgur.com/gallery/cqV47EE

In every little slice of suburbia, quietly tucked away in those “cute neighborhoods” referenced in the real estate pamphlets, there is always THAT house. You know the one. The “shit show.”
Welcome to Saddle Downs. At one time the best neighborhood in town, but now amongst the perfectly manicured lawns and driveways with nary a spot of oil leakage, an unholy abomination that looks like an episode of Hoarders made sweet love to Fred Sanford’s bread and butter elicits sighs and dramatic eye rolling from all who reside here. They wonder out loud “how someone who can afford to buy here could live in that kind of mess. Of all the damned nerve!”
Standing in the driveway--garden hose in hand and meticulously rinsing my yard tools, I surveyed my crab grass outbreak with disdain and BOILED under the surface about what he’s done to this once beautiful collection of domiciles. I know the property values here have completely gone to shit. How could they not? And it’s ME who has to live DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET from him.
The trash. The junk. The 1989 Geo Metro with no hood. The kiddie pool full of slime and frogs. FFS, he has three VCR’s stacked beside the mailbox. Yes…I said VCR’s
And is it so damned hard to cut your grass on Tuesdays like the rest of us?? I want to try the new edger I picked up during a July 4th sale (40 volt, top of the line), but as of right now I haven’t even seen the point. My yard will look like shit no matter what, because of HIM.
The neighborhood association won’t help. If it’s anything other than potholes or barbeques, they have a “hands off” approach to governance. I plan to run for president in the spring.
Anyway…I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof that night, and the plant-based diet I switched to wasn’t doing shit to help bring it down. Something HAD to be done about him…
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Allen.
Mid 50’s, twice married and twice divorced, he works as an I.T. contractor for the state. Being stuck at home because of Covid, I hadn’t seen him outside in months. Who needs to go outside when you have GrubHub and your lawn mower is lying next to the house in 100 pieces? He had made a perfect hermit’s life, intrinsically safe from those of us who only asked for a little bit of respect for the neighborhood.
So, imagine my surprise when at 6pm last Friday evening, he suddenly stumbles out the front door, down the steps, and begins cleaning up his yard. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was so stunned that I forgot the hose was still on until it soaked my favorite pair of Duluth Trading khakis.
I blinked a few times to confirm what I was seeing. Allen was actually cleaning!
I quickly gathered my tools and hung them in their outlined spots on the pegboard my wife, Karen, got me for Father’s Day. Her essential oils business has really taken off lately and she’s starting to spoil me. It’s amazing what people will do for some of her concoctions. She’s got proven anecdotal evidence of the efficacy of her blends. She’s healed everything from spider bites to yeast infections with those little bottles of miracle juice.
I practically sprinted into the house to let her know what Allen was up to. Making sure to sit by the window the rest of the evening, I continued to peek out at my new favorite neighbor during commercial breaks in the Sean Hannity show. I wanted so very badly to go talk to him about it, but I was terrified that interrupting his task would jinx my good fortune.
When I went to bed around 9:30, Allen was still hard at it and showed no signs of slowing.
The next morning at 6:15 I heard the familiar beeps that signal a large vehicle moving in reverse. I nearly fell over trying to slip into my Crocs to get to the porch and have a look. A massive flatbed truck was dropping a 30 foot long dumpster in the yard. Allen was really getting serious!
I couldn’t take it any longer. I had planned to spend the day applying epoxy to my garage floor, but it was Allen’s project I was truly excited about now.
I had to go over there.
Quickly putting on some work quality clothes, I calmly made my way down the driveway and across the street. The yard was already looking better, but it really did have a long way to go. Allen was working like a madman.
He’s about 5’6 and half as wide as he is tall. What remained of his light brown hair was shaggy and unkempt, and he always wore the same outfit; dark gray suit pants, worn out loafers, and one of those silky, short sleeve dress shirts with vertical stripes that were popular in the early 1980’s.
Despite the less than ideal attire for the task at hand, Allen was working his ass off…and so would I. It was clear that absolutely nothing in the yard would escape the dumpster’s insatiable appetite, so without a word I fell in beside him and set to work.
It was a beautiful free-for-all and I was having the time of my life. I practically pranced around the yard, grabbing up anything I felt capable of getting over the side of the giant trash receptacle. Toys, scrap metal, fast food trash, some ugly ass yard ornaments Allen’s ex-wife had set out back in the late 90’s. Plastic frogs and flamingoes, bleached and dried brittle by 20 plus years of sun and weather cycles.
It was the most fun I’ve since the free resort weekend I scored just for attending a time share seminar and buying a share of a sweet villa in Branson, Missouri.
Oddly enough though, after a solid half hour of work Allen hadn’t said a word, or even acknowledged my presence for that matter. I finally broke the ice.
“Hey buddy! Just thought I’d come out here and give you some help. You’ve got a BIG job on your hands here, but it’ll be totally worth the effort. I even have a perfect grass seed blend for you. I came up with it myself after a long battle with clover. You won’t believe how good it’ll look in a few weeks!”
Allen never acknowledged my presence. He just continued, pushing himself harder and harder. His hair was all over the place and sweat had soaked through his clothes from head to toe.
A thought suddenly hit me.
I lightly grabbed him by the upper arm and said “Hey Allen. Did you ever stop last night?”
“No.”
I pressed further “You didn’t come in at all? You’ve just been out here nonstop?”
“Yes.”
It was killing me. I risked ruining everything, but I had to ask.
“Hey man…Why are you suddenly cleaning up after 20 years of neglecting your yard and ignoring everyone who has ever asked you to do something about it?”
Under labored breath, still without slowing even a step or glancing my direction, he said
“They’re coming.”
I inquired further.
“Who’s coming? You having a family get together? Pampered Chef party? Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by to check on your soul?”
Allen suddenly snapped up, lunged at me and screamed directly in my face.
“NO…NO NO NO!!”
He abruptly turned and went right back to picking up a large chunk of a broken toilet covered in wet leaves, heaving it into the dumpster and waddling to the other side of the driveway to begin unearthing an old riding mower covered in the remnants of a splintered water bed frame.
I was a bit caught off guard by the aggression. Regardless, I was so happy to see Allen’s grass for the first time since April 22nd, 2001 that I was willing to overlook his anger. Still, though, at that point I felt it best to just go on back home.
I went ahead and started on my garage floor project. I backed my RAV-4 out into the driveway. I didn’t have to deal with Karen’s Volvo because she had an early appointment at the hair salon, then planned to return some things at a department store she felt were dishonestly presented by the salesperson…I think she planned on giving that manager a piece of her mind.
After a few more days of cleaning outside, inside, and having a huge fence built around the yard, Allen’s place was looking great. I decided I would go shake the hands of whatever visitors he was having that had motivated him to take on this glorious project.
As it turned out, I was given the opportunity to do so sooner than expected. Allen’s guests arrived the very next day.
It was an interesting looking bunch that piled out of a few of those monster passenger vans. Upon closer inspection I saw the side of them said “ZIP-LIFE HOLISTICS.” Everyone looked to be under 40 or so, and some of them couldn’t have been much past their high school years. Athletic wear—more specifically, track suits—was the prevailing choice in attire for every single one of them. Each of them wore a different color, though, and when they got out of the vans it was like someone dumped a bag of skittles onto the driveway.
Their energy was boundless. Running, jumping, and shouting loudly with the same enthusiasm I feel when my grass finally reaches the 4.5 inch mark and I get to fire up the Cub Cadet. God I love that mower.
Everyone congregated in the front yard, surrounding Allen and giving him endless handshakes and pats on the back. Allen looked exhausted, but he had put on his best smile for the greeting.
Behind that big smile though, terror filled his eyes.
The next morning at 7:00 on the dot, the cheers began.
“WHO-LIVES-THEIR-LIFE WITH ZIP AND PRIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
“WHO FLOWS WITH JOY THEY CAN-NOT HIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
They did this OVER and OVER and OVER for a solid 15 minutes, stopping only to cheer and clap.
Finally, they shut it down and bounded off to the van where a woman was handing out leaflets of some sort. They began to sprint off throughout the neighborhood, so after all of them were gone I sauntered over to talk to Allen. He was alone in the yard, dressed in a lime green track suit and doing jumping jacks.
I feigned enthusiasm.
“Hey buddy. How’s it going with the visitors? They’re sure an energetic bunch!”
His attitude had turned a complete 180 degrees. “Oh, hey Brad! Yeah, they’re stupendous! What a great bunch of people. They’re gonna change the life of everyone in this neighborhood. Just you wait and see!”
Despite Allen’s zeal, I was skeptical and still a touch unnerved by the arrival of these health ambassadors. I mean…maybe they could help the neighborhood get back on track. Quarantine had really taken its toll on the midsection and hind quarters of just about everyone in Saddle Downs. Working from home was awesome, but the cafeteria choices were endless now. Eating had become a sport for me by that point.
I figured I could try and get on board. It was just a bunch of over-zealous kids, right?
“Well Allen, I suppose all of us could use some guidance right now…and maybe they’ve got some techniques to help us avoid Covid, right?”
“Oh, most definitely brad. Most definitely. You’ll see.”
That was enough for me for the moment. As I started back to my own yard, I turned back and asked Allen how he got involved with these people.
“I met them on the Internet playing an ORPG game called Second Life!”
I had no idea what that was, but the answer was good enough for me.
I cruised back over to the house, figuring Karen had my kale shake ready to go, along with a little avocado and falafel on toast that would likely NOT hit the spot.
As the day wore on, I kept an eye on things out on the streets of Saddle Downs.
The Lifers, as I’ll refer to them, were going door-to-door with their flyers. Some successfully gained entry to make what I presumed was their sales pitch, while others maintained that huge smile and boundless enthusiasm after being turned away at the door. They did, however, leave a small yellow sticker on the mailbox on the way out.
Allen continued to exercise, with one of the Zip-Life zealots cheering him on.
Eventually a couple of them were on my doorstep. Ugh. It was the first time I had seen any of them up close, and the only way I can describe them accurately is to say…
They dazzled.
The startlingly attractive young man and woman before me had perfectly straight, shockingly white teeth. Their aroma was fantastic, like some perfect blend of sugar cookies and Tide Pods. Clean, and sweet. It was intoxicating.
Their eyes were big, bright and full of life, reminding me of those things that endlessly swirl and put you into a daze while the hypnotist snatches your wallet. The whites were white enough to make me squint, and their irises were vivid in color and matched their track suits. The young man’s orange irises didn’t have that fake look you see with color contacts, either. I think they were legit, which for a split second sent a chill down my spine.
As the young man began his pitch, perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth opened to a mouth that said “Hello sir! I’m Tanner and this is Kylee. We’re friends of your neighbor, Allen Randall, and are representatives of the world’s number one door-to-door health and wellness company, Zip-Life Holistics!”
I have no idea what he said after that. All I remember is smiling dreamily, looking back and forth between their mesmerizing eyes, skin that appeared to have disco balls embedded in its pores, and feeling compelled to only breathe through my nose. I found my feet shifting below me as I pushed open the storm door and welcomed them into my home. Floating in sheer ecstasy, I led them to the couch, where they sat down and produced a flyer for me to read.
At that moment, all I could think of was how much I wanted to please these strangers. How I would do absolutely anything for Taylor and Kylee.
Yes, I’ll sign those forms. Yes, I’ll be ready at 10pm on Friday. Sure, I’ll be eating nothing but raw, organic foods until then. I’ll do everything just as you wish. I just want to be well, for YOU. Thank you for saving me.”
Thank God for Karen. She had been in the Kitchen, live streaming one of her “Super Coupon” videos (she has 152 subscribers…not too shabby, right?) and hadn’t noticed Tanner and Kylee’s entrance until the smell hit her.
“Who’s here? That’s not Gain. That’s Tide. That shit is expensive! Someone needs a coupon lesson!”
She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me starting to sign papers.
“Don’t you sign anything Brad! They’re probably gonna hit your credit card for a hundred bucks a month or something.”
“You kids skedaddle. Didn’t you see the magnet on my car? I blend ESSENTIAL OILS. Do you know what that means? It means get the heck out of my house with your worthless pills, or whatever other malarkey you’re peddling. It ain’t happenin’! Not on my watch!”
The two beautiful, amazing smelling Lifers smiled, thanked me for my time, and gave Karen a little death stare as they made for the door. Karen followed them into the yard, yelling the whole way.
“Don’t you make a face at me! I’ve got your leaflet in the house and don’t you think for a second that I won’t call your manager about these shady tactics you’re using!”
I exhaled sharply and ran my hands across my face to wake up a bit. When I looked back up they were gone…and one of those little yellow stickers adorned our mailbox.
Karen gave me a bit of a scolding after she came back inside, but I did deserve it. It didn’t last too long, though, because she had to get to work on a big batch of potato salad to take to a party at my office. Those people love her recipe.
The rest of the Lifers eventually congregated back at Allen’s house. It looked like they were camping in the back yard, which is probably why Allen had that absurdly high fence installed.
Around 7pm, things got…weird.
Firstly, there was more cheering.
After the noise subsided I could hear a lot of grunting and groaning, and eventually curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed a ladder and made my way up to the roof. Our houses are more diagonally lined up, so with a bit of height I got a pretty clear view of Allen’s back yard.
It looked like they were performing feats of strength.
Some of them began picking up landscaping rocks the size of watermelons, followed by each taking a turn throwing theirs across the yard as far as possible. The best throw was about 15 feet, which was REALLY far for a rock that I would guess weighs around 200lbs.
The winner? Kylee, all 5’2 and 120lbs of her.
After that, some of the men locked arms and legs, building upon each other for some kind of creation. Bodies twisted and contorted, eventually taking the shape of a wheel…complete with human spokes.
One of the women gave them a push, and off they went, rolling across the yard. It was an impressive feat of strength and flexibility…and just a touch unsettling. The wheel made it back around the yard, and several more of the men stood on others’ shoulders on both sides of the “wheel,” eventually revealing themselves to be posts. The entire contraption together became a freaky Ferris wheel. Someone gave it a push, and off it went, slowly rotating on an axis made of the backs of their brethren.
That was both mesmerizing AND freaky, but a big group of the women, however, really pushed the envelope. The men began to chant.
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
It took a few minutes for it all to come together, but after everyone was in position I was looking at all 20 of the women bent into impossible positions and exercising body control that would require the strength of a herd of elephants. Arms bent backward, shoulders dislocated and twisted in ways that would paralyze any normal person. I felt bile rise in my throat, even viewing it from over 100 feet away.
All the disgusting contortions came together, and suddenly I was looking at a 10 foot tall spider with the entire body and 8 legs made of people who should have been dead from their positioning alone.
And it wasn’t unstable. It wasn’t about to collapse like one of those shitty popsicle stick houses we made in kindergarten. Had it not been so terrifying, it would have been nothing short of magnificent.
And then that spider WALKED…
And then it RAN…
Their bodies were in perfect harmony as “it” ran across the back yard.
More chanting.
“SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER!”
Continuing to run with absolute accuracy, they began to emit a clicking sound that I can only describe as “how a spider sounds in a movie.”
“TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A!
TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A”
My skin was crawling at this point.
Then, as if the situation couldn’t get any more bizarre and terrifying, I watched as that human spider crawled right up the back wall of Allen’s three story house and onto the roof. And when it stopped I realized that before it crawled up the house, several of the men had jumped on and stacked themselves close on the front of the spider body. Their heads were packed tightly together, and their eyes became the spider’s eyes.
And they blinked in unison.
Then it shifted a bit. The legs, the body, and those eyes, rotating around while a few dozen mouths emitted that “tick-a tick-a tick-a” sound. In a side profile stance, facing off in the distance it stood.
It felt as if everything around me had gone silent. This wasn’t just funny, or creepy anymore. It was downright scary. And as I soaked it all in and began to wonder what the hell I was really witnessing, I watched, horrified as every Lifer on that hideous creation turned their head toward me.
And they smiled…
*************************************************************************************
I slept like absolute shit that night. After the spider spent a few minutes twitching around on the roof and looking at me, it/they crawled back down to the yard and disassembled. Eventually everyone settled down and I didn’t hear anything else until early morning when the daily cheering began again.
I must admit, the spider really scared me. When I said those girls got into impossible positions I was NOT exaggerating. I was looking at fully dislocated shoulders and hips, spines twisted up like paper clips, and heads that twisted completely around. These were not normal people.
This routine continued for the rest of the week.
-Wake up and cheer
-Work the neighborhood
-Cheer some more
-Do weird shit in the back yard until dark, including but not limited to
-Relay races (on their hands)
-Professional-style wrestling (without padding)
-Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Rover (with tackling)
-Forming a human snake 50 feet long and slithering around the house for 45 straight minutes, with everyone making a “sssssssssssssssssssssss” sound and flicking their tongues. Then every few minutes coiling up and striking at imaginary things.
They did try to make their pitch to us once each day, becoming more persistent as the week progressed, but Karen always shooed them off. On their Friday afternoon visit she even sprayed them with lavender oil. Tanner looked PISSED about it, too. As the days wore on, though, I noticed the little yellow stickers eventually being removed, and figured my weak minded neighbors were finally giving in and agreeing to the presentation. Not Karen, though. She’s hardcore about this kind of thing.
Four days into this adventure, I noticed something. I had never seen them eating, drinking, or going into the house to use the bathroom. I did see twice a day they were given a shot glass worth of some kind of liquid, which I presumed was whatever product they must be selling
Despite it all, the neighborhood was still running normally. People came and went, cars were washed, and dogs were walked. Mrs. Bush down the street was in her front yard, drunk and arguing with her adult son, who was also drunk, about his chronic unemployment and wasting his government money on “cheap women.”
Friday night, Karen and I were sipping some of our favorite craft beer on the porch when we noticed an abnormally large number of people heading down the street. I recognized some of the faces and others were foreign to me, but they all turned in to Allen’s driveway and formed a line that extended a ways down the street. I suddenly recalled something on Tanner and Kylee’s pamphlet about “being there” on Friday at 10pm. A quick check of my watch confirmed that it was, in-fact, 10pm. Now I was REALLY interested to see what was going down.
I moved from the porch to the living room to watch one of these quarantine MLB games, which was almost as weird as watching the Lifers do their thing. I kept a constant eye on the goings-on at Allen’s though and as the evening wore on the traffic really picked up. For hours I sat there watching neighbors get in line, looking completely happy and relaxed—no doubt enjoying the Scent of sugar cookies and eye candy the Lifers provided—waiting their turn to go behind the gate. Several of the Lifers looked to almost be standing guard there, with more standing along the street in front of the house.
All night long, the cycle was the same.
-Person goes through the gate on one side of the house, followed by a few minutes of silence.
-Horrific screaming, followed by the Lifers clapping and cheering.
-Then the person shuffled out of the gate on the other side of the house, and very slowly shuffled home.
By 2am, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get a look behind that house again, even if it WAS a shitty angle.
I was headed for the roof again.
I grabbed my ladder and began my ascent. As I reached the top rung and my head cleared the roof line, I heard a voice coming from below—accompanied by the very faint smell of sugar cookies.
It was Tanner.
“Hey Brad! Whatcha doin’ up there?” He gave the ladder a little shake.
“I don’t think it’s safe to be up on the roof this late. Why don’t you come on down and go back in the house? Kylee said Karen looks pretty lonely in the bed.”
They were watching Karen sleep??
Now I was angry. I felt a surge of adrenaline, and it was finally time to tell this asshole what I really thought of him and his stupid Lifer friends.
“Tanner, why don’t YOU get the FUCK out of my yard and go back to your weird-ass cult across the street before I call the cops!”
Tanner chuckled and said “Braaaaaaad. YOUR NEIGHBOR, the chief of police is in line at Allen’s right this minute. You know that.”
And then he literally jumped straight up the 30 feet to my roof.
Tanner crouched directly in front of me, grabbed my ladder and tipped me a foot back from the edge, literally holding my life in his right hand.
His orange eyes glowed like two big fireflies in the darkness.
“Brad. Everything is fine over there. It would REALLY be in your best interest to climb back down this VERY unstable ladder and get “the FUCK” back in your house.”
I nodded, scared shitless. My adrenaline surged again as I gripped that ladder with every ounce of strength I had. There was no exit plan here if he let me go, and I am not ashamed to admit that I wet my pants.
“Ok, Tanner. I’ll go back inside. Please, PLEASE move my ladder back and let me climb down.”
And just like that, he returned the ladder to a safe angle, got in a high-dive position and did a gainer off the roof, landing perfectly on his feet.
When I stepped off, he was directly in my face. He did NOT smell like cookies and Tide now. He smelled musty, like an old museum. The glimmer in his skin came and went like static on a TV, and his eyes no longer dazzled. He looked tired, as if he’d used up every ounce of his normally boundless energy.
That’s the last thing I remember.
​
I woke up on the couch around 7:00. My drool-covered shirt was turned halfway around my torso and one of my socks was missing in action. I felt absolutely awful. Every muscle ached to some degree and my feet felt like they were made of lead. I was completely exhausted, and my back felt like it was on fire. I made it to the kitchen and tried to get my head together. Out of nowhere, I was suddenly ready to MURDER someone for some bacon…or sausage…or a bagel with Lox…or some Lay’s potato chips…or a big glass of sea water. I threw my middle finger in the air and turned in a circle to let ALL the components of Karen’s stupid plant-based diet know what I thought of them. Dr. Ornish could eat a dick…actually I guess he wouldn’t, though.
I practically DRAGGED myself to the window to see what the Lifers were up to.
They were gone.
I was startled as Karen emerged from the hallway, tripped, and fell flat on her face, sending half a dozen essential oil vials flying across the room. I was too tired to even try to help her up.
Groaning, she pushed herself up on her elbows.
“What the hell happened last night, Brad? The last thing I remember is that Kylee girl standing beside my bed speaking in another language. There were bits of English mixed in there. She said something like ‘we are ancient…older than death himself…’ and then something about cows and pigs no longer being sufficient?”
I looked at her like she had three eyes. Not only was I in tremendous pain…I was feeling a little combative.
“What? Are you drunk? Did you put too much lemongrass and ylang-ylang in your tea again last night??”
When Karen is pissed, her voice gets really nasal and her A’s are literally enough to bust eardrums. After my smartass comment, I really had it coming, though.
“NOOOOOOO BRAAAAD! She said it! She said that shit, and the last thing of it I recall is her rolling me over onto my stomach and saying “Thanks bitch. I’ll fill you back up with Marjoram.”
She had managed to stand again, but doubled over in pain and hit the floor once more.
“Ughhhhhh…Damn-it Brad, why does my back hurt SOOOOO BAAAAD???”
I looked down at her exposed back. It was swollen and red, and she had a tiny hole or needle mark just above each kidney. I had the same. What the heck was up there?
Trying to look at my own back, I began turning in circles like a dog trying to sniff its own butt.
“Karen, look at these holes in my back. What’s in that spot?”
She had spent a few years in nursing school back in the day before quitting to sell door-to-door cosmetics, and god only knows what other flavor of the week MLMs that came about.
She thought about it for a moment. “I think it’s the adrenal gland. What the…did they steal our adrenaline???!!!
I helped Karen to her feet, we plopped ourselves down at the kitchen table, and I blacked out.
*************************************************************************************
Three hours later I woke up, my cheek smashed down on the table. Surrounding me was remnants of a bag of beef jerky, a jar of pickles with no juice, and my mouth was caked in what tasted like feta cheese. Karen was on the floor, blocking the doorway threshold and mumbling something in her sleep about not needing a receipt. Peeking out from under the edge of her robe was what was left of the block of feta.
I shuffled my way to the bathroom, stripped off my disheveled and urine stained clothes, and let a hot shower take me away to paradise. God I was thirsty. Karen says the chlorine and fluoride in city water is bad for me, but I didn’t care. I drank it right out of the faucet.
After getting cleaned up, I stepped out on the patio for some fresh air. Many of my neighbors were out and about, moving like they were 100 years old but trying to do the normal stuff--taking walks, washing cars, etc. I gingerly made my way next door to speak with my buddy Mike. He had been out of town most of the week, but I saw him in line last night. I caught up to him as he was checking his mail.
“Yo Mike. How’s it going?”
He looked terrible. “Hey Brad. Man I feel like complete shit. I don’t know what the hell happened to me last night. I haven’t felt this bad since I got completely plastered at your Super bowl party.”
I vividly remember that event. Mike, the 50 year old accountant, attempted a backflip on a dare and landed on his face.
I looked at him quizzically. “You mean you don’t remember being at Allen’s? Going behind the fence for the Zip-Life product demonstration?”
He closed the mailbox and looked back up at me.
“The what? Zip Who? I haven’t spoken with Allen in months. I’d like to kiss him right on the mouth though, for finally cleaning up his property. I wish I had been here to see it. Damn, dude. My back is killing me!”
He turned and raised his shirt, and sure enough… the same swelling and holes in his back.
I told him what I suspected had happened to us, but he had absolutely no recollection of the Lifers ever having set foot in Saddle Downs. I was too tired to press the issue, and Mike didn’t seem to care about the holes in his back. It’s like his memory and even his sense of self-preservation was just…absent.
I ended the conversation and made my way a couple houses down, intercepting a lady named Sandra as she VERY slowly made her way through the morning walk she’s taken every single day for 23 years. We had the same conversation. She had the same marks, and like Mike, had no memory of the night before.
I tried several others and got more of the same. Finally I headed for Allen’s house, banging HARD on the door. When he answered, it was clear that I had woken him up. He was wearing nothing but a pair of old, very undersized boxers.
“Uhhh…hey Brad. What’s up?”
“Allen, I’ve had enough of this shit. What the hell did those people do to everyone last night??”
He looked completely confused. “What? What are you talking about? Who?”
I roared with every ounce of strength I had left.
“THE ZIP-LIFE PEOPLE, ALLEN! THEY JACKED EVERYONE UP! WE ALL HAVE HOLES ABOVE OUR KIDNEYS AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT EVEN REMEMBERS THEM BEING HERE!”
All of a sudden it was like the light bulb went off. Allen’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. I exhaled sharply, relieved that SOMEONE could finally shed some light on all of this.
Allen jumped through the door, darting back and forth across the porch, giving evil stares to everyone he could see.
As he flew by me for the third time I caught a look at his shirtless back…
There was nothing.
No holes. No swelling. Just a nice, plump back with enough hair on it to sculpt a mowhawk.
And as he ran out into the street with murder in his eyes, naked aside from the underwear hanging halfway down his ass, I knew the story had ended. I wasn’t going to get my answer, because I knew what the next words out of his mouth would be.
Wild-eyed, and practically foaming at the mouth with rage, he said…
“WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES CLEANED UP MY YARD!”
​
​
My favorite neighbor